Little Miss Momma: The REAL Reason I'm Not Pregnant With No. 2

Monday, March 14, 2011

The REAL Reason I'm Not Pregnant With No. 2

read this first.
____________

I'm scared.
I'm scared of how hard pregnancy is.
I'm scared of spending an entire 9 months hunched over a toilet,
of having a perpetual migraine.

I'm scared people will think I'm weak,
that I'm not trying hard enough,
that I should just suck it up.

I'm scared the hub's business will suffer,
or that my dreams will be put on hold.

I'm scared I won't be able to give my toddler the attention he deserves.
I'm scared that the hubs will have too much stress picking up my slack.
I'm scared I won't smile as much,
or laugh as much,
or remember my blessings each day.

Because when I am pregnant,
I become a different person.
A person that I am not particularly fond of.
A person who doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning.
A person who can't bear the thought of being social,
of blow drying my hair or of putting on makeup.

Because when I am pregnant,
I become depressed.
And frustrated,
as I long to have the abilities,
the strength,
the energy
that I had before.

When I was pregnant,
I developed Hyperemesis Gravidarum
and I'm scared it will happen again.

But I also have a dream.
A dream of a house full of kiddos,
arguing, and wrestling, and hugging and cuddling.
I dream of hectic weekday mornings dropping kids off at 3 different schools.
I dream of crazy Saturdays, running around between soccer games and baseball tournaments.
I dream of a full house, with bunk beds and toy chests
and more bicycles than we have room to store.

I dream of growing old,
and waking up Christmas morning to a house jam packed with grandkids,
and locking eyes with my hubby from across the room
and nodding in subtle agreement that
it was all totally worth it.

And because I want to make my dream a reality,
I will do it all over again,
and again,
and probably again.
But not today.

Today, I will kiss these smushy cheeks,
and I will count my blessings.

Baby W's can't live without it, super cuddly Lovey baby blanket is courtesy of Blanket My Baby. You can get 10% OFF your very own plush goodness with the code: missmomma10.

Labels: Meltdown, Mommy Tales, Real Life

92 Comments:

At March 14, 2011 at 6:41 PM , Unknown said...: I so appreciate this post. You're honesty is EVERYTHING to your readers. Trust me.

But I must say, this is why I'm so thankful for little baby "surprises" because I can never comprehend making the decision. I'm just glad God always made them for us. I pray he will for you too. He knows when it's right.

For now, enjoy those sweet toddler moments. He is so cute!
At March 14, 2011 at 6:44 PM , Larissa said...: When I was pregnant with my first son, I never got sick a single time. With my second, I was sick from two days before I found out I was pregnant until the morning I had him. I guess the point I am trying to make is...don't be tooo discouraged. :) Every pregnancy is different.
At March 14, 2011 at 6:47 PM , Unknown said...: Thanks for wringing this post, I have the same fears compound with the fact that my hubby & I are both only children and I don't know how to raise siblings.
I love what Sarah said "surprise" babies because I can't commit to planning something so huge!
But I'm secretly kinda hoping we get a surprise souvenir from our upcoming Vegas trip :)
At March 14, 2011 at 6:47 PM , Cathy said...: I understand how you are feeling. I got pregnant 4 months after I gave birth to my twins and I had the same concerns and went through the same emotions you described. I was not the person my husband fell in love with. He understood what I was going through, but the last three months were hard. A part of me resented him for being pregnant again but as soon as I had Baby#3, all of that changed. I was the happy wife and mom. My concerns over my twins having enough me time shouldn't be concerns at all. My twins love their baby brother. I still feel horrible about how I was when I was pregnant the second time around but our family couldn't be more complete now.

Being pregnant can wreak havoc on your body and mind. Take it one step at a time, and remember that whenever you're feeling blue. Let one of us know because there's always someone out there that's been through the same thing and can be there for you.

sorry for this rant, but everyone you said just struck a chord and absolutely describe me during my second pregnancy.
At March 14, 2011 at 6:51 PM , Lisa Merkley said...: I remember the feeling well. In fact, I still feel it and I want #4.

But, what you have to remember is that when it's time, you'll know and you will be comforted about all those things. Not because they will all disappear, but because you will JUST KNOW.

And good for you for keeping your eye on the dream of a house full of grandkids on Christmas morning. Best wishes to you!
At March 14, 2011 at 6:51 PM , Chrissy @ the Pearl Blog said...: I second Larissa.
Each one of my 3 pregnancies was nothing like the others.
Praying for peace and contentment girlie!
you make such cute babies I would hate for you to stop! :)
At March 14, 2011 at 6:55 PM , Anonymous said...: I so appreciate your honesty. I hated being pregnant too and I feel like this almost every day (except for me it's baby #3). You'll know when the time is right and I agree, each pregnancy is different so maybe next time will go smoother.
At March 14, 2011 at 6:58 PM , Katie said...: We got pregnant with our 2nd child a little sooner than we had expected and I was so worried I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved our first son. He was our world! BUT as soon as we saw our 2nd son's beautiful little face I felt complete. Both pregnancies were very different, but one thing that was the same was that I was a complete nutbar. Poor husband. And I really hope we never have any surprises.. for his sanity and mine lol.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:00 PM , Jayna Rae said...: everyone is right that they are different. Truly, I just say give it to God. Don't stress either way.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:03 PM , Morgan said...: You put it so well. I always wanted 3-4 kids but my 1st pregnancy was difficult. I ended up getting severe pre-eclampsia and my little girl came 2 months early. After 60 days of the NICU she is home and slowly getting healthier. Having another scares me to death but I want her to have at least one sibling so I struggle with what to do.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:04 PM , Unknown said...: Your honesty and transparency are SO refreshing Ashley! Seriously, wow.

Although I didn't suffer from nausea during my pregnancies I did turn into an easily frustrated, highly irritable, and sassy-mouthed "other" person while carrying both my littles. whew, the hubs had to hang in there with me for sure. :) It's a rollercoaster no doubt.

But I have always truly believed that when you are pregnant, you are slightly more special than usual. :) I think God sends MORE angels to surround you than usual. And I think he smiles even MORE than usual when he watches you waddle around carrying his precious child inside. And I think he does give us superhuman "momma" strength to get up out of bed each day and manage our house and kids with just a bit more umph! than usual.

May you feel a heavenly peace as you guys decide when and if you're ready for the next one!!

Love, love, LOVE your blog!

xoxo
~Brianna~
At March 14, 2011 at 7:04 PM , Krista said...: This is a very honest post and I so appreciate it. Not everyone is great at being pregnant or even loves the experience. I really tried to appreciate the experience since my Mom couldn't have kids but it was hard! I get really fat (yes, you can be pregnant AND fat) and I feel embarrassed all the time. Actually, the weight gain is mostly why I don't want to have a 3rd but my hubby does. Selfish ey?

Keep you chin up lovey. You are gorgeous and you will make it through if you decide to go for #2. You have all our support.

Krista
At March 14, 2011 at 7:05 PM , Brianna said...: I too love your honesty. I had a great first pregnancy, but am so NERVOUS to add a second to our family. It's a scary decision! Pregnancy is hard enough without having to tend to a needy child 24-7... I hope I can get the courage one day for another and feel like I'm ready and excited for it! I wish you the best with [all] your future pregnancies and hope they won't all be soo rough.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:08 PM , HeartsmilesBoutique said...: It is a major decision:) Good for you for knowing where you stand and when you are ready, you will know;) there is definitely no "correct" answer for this;) love your honesty!
xo
At March 14, 2011 at 7:11 PM , Candice Jones said...: I am so happy to read this. You have no idea. I have so many fears of having my second child. There is about 5 percent of excitement, but the other 95 is pure anxiety and stress and depression. I am migraine sufferer as well and I am on a crap load of medication. I fear getting off of them and I fear that I will get a severe migraine and not being able to take the proper medication that really kicks it in the bud. This post has really helped me feel like I'm not alone. everyone is having more kids, and I feel like I won't be a good mom because I won't be able to handle two. I'll get to stressed or out of control. But I do want what you want.. That future of grandkids. I don't want to deprive my son of the fun of siblings that I have enjoyed.
Thanks for posting this :)
At March 14, 2011 at 7:11 PM , craftytammie said...: someone told me once - you might regret NOT having more children. but you'll never regret having them. it's hard to make the leap. and juggling each successive child can be a struggle. but they adapt, and so do you. good luck!
At March 14, 2011 at 7:12 PM , Unknown said...: I like this post for many reasons. I want a house full of kids, but I am scared of another pregnancy too. My first pregnancy was difficult, I got pre-eclampsia pretty bad, gained over 20lb.s alone in just water weight from being so swollen, altogether I gained 40lbs. I had to go on bed rest in the hospital for 10 long days, then was induced 5 weeks early. My son spent 17 days in the NICU and was diagnosed with Hydrocephalus. We found out 2 weeks after his first birthday that I was 8-9 weeks pregnant with #2.

My second pregnancy didn't have complications, but it did take a toll on my body. I was excited about not having pre-e and thought this would be a much better birth experience. I was wrong. My doctor said my baby was measuring too big and they wouldn't let me give birth to her normally and I would have to have a c-section. I was terrified. They told me that at 35 weeks and it was too late to find another OBGYN to take over my care. They scared me into having a c-section saying all kinds of things could go wrong if I didn't. My water broke a week and a half earlier than my c-section appt., but they still wouldn't let me try to labor and deliver her. She came 2.5 weeks early and was only 9lbs. 8oz., big I know, but smaller women than I have birthed bigger without complications.

The c-section recovery was tough for me. It was painful and I already had a very clingy and dependent toddler at home to care for. I felt a little resentment towards my daughter at first because of the c-section, think I must have had the baby blues. And anytime I mentioned how bad I felt or how stressed I just felt worse because no one really understood. Or validated my feelings.

I really want more kids but I am afraid of what that will be like. I feel like I am stretched thin enough already. I'm a firm believer in God's will, so if I happen to get pregnant again I will rejoice in the blessing but I will still be scared of what that means for the next delivery. Ugh, so much more I could say on this topic. Ha, now you've made me want to post on it on my blog. Hang in there sweet lady.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:18 PM , Anonymous said...: Thank you for your post - I am going through that right now, and it makes me feel better because some people in my life actually do think I'm weak and in their own way also feel the need to tell me so too.
I don't think anyone should ever be made to feel bad about what they have to do in order to have a safe and healthy pregnancy all the way around - whether that is anti-nausea medicine, laying in bed sick, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone, or all of the above. For me - it is all of the above, so I hear you. Go for it when you are ready, and go about it however you have to.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:22 PM , Unknown said...: My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday. He would love TONS of kids, I on the other hand had a VERY hard pregnancy as well. It really is like leaving yourself for 9 months and feeling weird/sick/fat/swollen devastated. I wish I were one of those who had a beautiful glow and never got sick, but that was not me at all. My sister lovingly referred to me as preggo Greggo! ha My nose spread, I got acne, and yes, my hands looked they belonged to a man. I am so scared to get pregnant again, but like you I want a family! It is somehow comforting to know that I am not the only one that didn't have a happy skipping pregnancy..but we sure make some darn cuties if I do say so myself:) You are right that it is worth it, but I think its ok to be scared.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:22 PM , Purple Stained Tears and Prayers said...: So this is my first time reading your blog. I am not married nor do I have kids. However, this post means so much to me.My best friend had the same condition during her first pregnancy. Currently, she is dealing with this condition during her second pregnancy. Today, I sat on the phone and listen to her cry. This articulates those tears and sighs. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your strength.
At March 14, 2011 at 7:27 PM , Kim Kirstiuk said...: This is beautiful because it so eloquently describes exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with both of my kids.

Once upon a time my hubby and I wanted to have 3-4 children but because of the Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I became my worst enemy and in my opinion a non present wife and mother. They say every pregnancy is different hence our precious number two - Olivia. AS things stand Owen and Olivia will only have one sibling.

For your sake, may God give you the strength to preserver so that your home be filled with many munchkins!
At March 14, 2011 at 7:37 PM , Audrey Crisp said...: Sad you had such a hard, depressed pregnancy! Kids are the hardest thing in the world I'm sure, well so I've been told, but so awesome you see the worth and joy of it all... Hopefully your next pregnancy won't be bad at all!! Plus- you really need more kids so I can see how cute they are!! That blanket is adorable!!
At March 14, 2011 at 7:41 PM , Pedey @ Do You Smell That!!? said...: Loved this part:

"I dream of growing old,
and waking up Christmas morning to a house jam packed with grandkids,
and locking eyes with my hubby from across the room
and nodding in subtle agreement that
it was all totally worth it."
At March 14, 2011 at 7:44 PM , LonghornGirl said...: My son just turned 2, and I am 9 weeks pregnant. It's difficult, but you get through it because you have to. You have another little one depending on you, and that is why you get out of bed. My sister had the same thing as you (with #1), and she had her gall bladder removed. It wasn't all sunshine and roses with #2, but it was much better the second time around. Besides, you two produce the cutest little babies not to have more! Best of luck, you cute 'Lil Miss Momma. You can do it!
At March 14, 2011 at 7:44 PM , Staci @ Life's Sweeter with Chocolate said...: I'm so there right now!!! I want baby #2 so bad but I am terrified!! A good friend of mine told me you just do what you have to do and don't think about it. It's scary wondering if you'll be stretched too thin or have enough energy and how long can you put you on the backburner and your dreams are all over the place because your life has been shifted over to full time mommyhood. Our little man is turning one next month and I told my hubby I'm getting a tiny bit of baby fever. Definitely not yet but one day!! But its scary. I'm still trying to adjust to not worrying all day long about our little man. When they say having a baby means you'll wear your heart outside your body it's no lie! Thanks for posting this. It's good to know someone else is as freaked out as I am!! -staci
At March 14, 2011 at 7:47 PM , Sunflwr508 said...: Brutal honesty! I love it! I also think you are an ADORABLE pregnant lady! Thanks for your awesome posts!!! Very refreshing and sincere! :)
-Mandy
At March 14, 2011 at 7:49 PM , ahappygirl said...: Your honesty is so refreshing. Pregnancy is DIFFICULT, even with a healthy momma. I would love to give Little Miss Sookie a sibling someday, but it will never happen biologically. And that's okay! We are all different, different size families work for us. Don't feel pressure to have another right away. Be selfish, you have to take care of YOU first.

xoxo.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:01 PM , Dana said...: Love your honesty, great post! I had a lot of the same fears before I got pregnant the 2nd time. Even though I had a fairly easy pregnancy with my son I was worried that the 2nd time around was going to be so awful. We didn't start trying until my son was 3 because I wanted to enjoy every little moment with my son and not miss out on anything. Don't feel pressured that you need to have another one right now. Enjoy your time with your son, do it when you feel ready!
At March 14, 2011 at 8:04 PM , Kari said...: I'm totally crying right now...but in a good way.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:05 PM , Libby's Life said...: I totally understand where you are coming from. I got Hyperemesis Gravidarum also... I went to the hospital 2x a week for my entire pregnancy to receive fluids because I was so dehydrated from it. But I have that same exact dream you have for a houseful of kids and also I want that huge family Christmas every year with all my kids and grandkids all packed into my hubs and my house! So I can totally see where you are coming from on all sides! :) And what is supposed to happen will happen for you and for me! :)
At March 14, 2011 at 8:09 PM , Kimberly said...: This brought tears to my eyes. Your honesty is overwhelmingly appreciated. Pregnancy is hard. And it is so totally worth it. Every pregnancy is different though, just remember that.

I had my two youngest sons only 13 months apart. I found out I was pregnant with #3 when #2 was only 4.5 months old. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to give #3 the same love and attention that his older siblings had. It wasn't true, because, in being a mom, you just do what you have to do. And it was so totally worth it in the end. I wouldn't change it for anything now.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:12 PM , A Babbling Brunette said...: I just love this post. I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm HORRIBLE when I say I hated being pregnant. I mean I loved having my little girl so close to me but actually being pregnant was awful. I was miserable and all the things you listed. I think it is awesome though that you are willing to go through all of that again to have a big family. I hope you don't get sick again when you do get pregnant. & your little boy is precious. :)
At March 14, 2011 at 8:21 PM , Michelle said...: I'm glad you posted this post. Normally I just read the blog, and never comment, but this time I feel like I want to share something.

Even though pregnancy is a hard experience for you, pregnancy really is a beautiful thing. As someone who suffers from endometriosis and might never get pregnant, I see pregnant woman and can't stop thinking how beautiful they are.

I know pregnancy can be hard, but you have such a great little boy, and you seem to be a great mother.

Think carefully before making a decision, and take things one step at a time! I hope you can figure out what to do.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:25 PM , Anonymous said...: This is such a fantastic post and I can't thank you enough for posting it.

I had a difficult pregnancy, but for different reasons than yours. I had low hemoglobin and would get dizzy and sometimes pass out all the time. I was also 130 before getting pregnant and weighed only 137 right before my son was born. I had horrible morning sickness the first few months and increased appetite the last couple of months, but I couldn't gain any weight. The doctor told me I needed to try and gain a pound a week and believe me, I tried.

Also, I suffered a lot of stress during my pregnancy and became a much different person after. I get depressed, I feel empty, I cry and I have no idea why. I'm not pregnant right now because hubby and I are NOT ready for another kid in any stretch of the imagination. Even though I had a difficult time, I really miss being pregnant. I wish I could explain why.

Also, I had an emergency c-section because my son's heart rate kept declining. I am so blessed to be squishing his little chipmunk cheeks today.

Again, thank you again for this post. It makes me feel a little better.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:29 PM , 2tiaras said...: you are so real - and I love that. Here is a real bit of me...I regret every day not having more babies. I will always have to work because of my husbands career path and I didn't want to have more kids that wouldnt get the time and attention that they deserve. My 2 little girls are my greatest accomplishment in life. They are 9 (today) and 6. For the last five years I have said that I felt like I was supposed to have 1 more :(
Thank you for your raw honesty :)
At March 14, 2011 at 8:30 PM , Elizabeth said...: Thank you so much for posting this! I love how honest you are in your post. Oh the wheels are turning on just how much I will dread the possibility of nausea, and throwing up. Ugh.

Ps. He sure is a cutie!!! :)
At March 14, 2011 at 8:31 PM , Unknown said...: I had hyper em too. -18lbs in two months, iv fluids 6x... So with you on every single part of this post. Except that the only time I didn't have migraines was in my last trimester.
At March 14, 2011 at 8:40 PM , Erin said...: My best friend had that too. It was tough to see her go through it. She went through it for two of her own and now adopting a third. I can't wait to help spoil her third little one...whom she should find out about any day now! I wish you the best in your next pregnancy!
At March 14, 2011 at 8:40 PM , gin said...: You'll know when the time is right! For all the uncertainty that surrounds baby number two, rest assured knowing you (and your hubs) make beautiful babies. :)
At March 14, 2011 at 8:43 PM , Lindsay said...: Oh my gosh Ashley, I went thru the SAME THING! I despise being pregnant. I feel your pain girl. Maybe we can go thru it together? Baby W is precious!
At March 14, 2011 at 9:01 PM , ~ Regan said...: *Sigh* I wish i had a bigger family. My kiddo is about 3 now. All of a sudden I feel like time is just slipping away.

I looked at the link you offerred, that sounds like something my friend had, too. She lost weight during her pregnancy she was so sick. Luckily she had a very beautiful healthy baby- looks like you did too. ;)
The article suggests that depression goes hand in hand with that type of complication. Have you been told it will most likely happen again if you get pregnant? My friend has actually concidered adoption because she said it was so bad and she's scared to get preggers again.
At March 14, 2011 at 9:10 PM , Heidi @ Honeybear Lane said...: Thanks for posting this. I loved reading all the comments too...so many women go through so much to give life to a human being. You have every right to be scared or nervous about it...you creating a miracle. It is no small task! So many people do it, right, and so many women make it look so simple. But it doesn't mean that each and every time is not incredibly special or that you can't voice your concerns or complaints. I'm sure after reading your comments you are feeling a little better.

But I have to tell you that I LOVE having two boys. They are best friends already (even though my older is constantly making the baby cry.) But seeing how much they love each other makes my heart swell every time. Just think, pregnancy is 9 months, but Baby W will have a beautiful sibling to adore for the rest of his life. He will be a great big brother!
At March 14, 2011 at 9:22 PM , ilene @ muchloveilly said...: i probably should have linked this to my baby-fear post i had over the weekend. ;)

on a serious note, thanks for your honesty, friend. i esp loved the end about how you'll look back and know it was worth it. :)
At March 14, 2011 at 9:24 PM , Erica @ Acire Adventures said...: Wow! Every time I hear a story like that I feel so bad for all the women out there who have to suffer through pregnancy. I just don't understand it! I had such a wonderful pregnancy, with minimal sickness, problems, etc, and I wish it could be like that for everyone.

My sister's MIL had horrible pregnancies (3 of them). She was sick like you were, hospitalized a lot of the time because she couldn't gain weight, but now she has 3 amazing fully grown kids, and her first grandchild. She said it was hell, but it was worth it. I hope you find the strength to do it over. Siblings are so worth it!

Have you talked to your doctor about if you are likely to have the exact same experiences over again? Maybe that would help, or at least let you know exactly what you have to look forward to!
At March 14, 2011 at 9:24 PM , Zach and Nikky said...: I hear ya on all these reasons. Our sons are around the same age and I've been feeling the pressure but I'm just not ready! The morning sickness is not something I'm looking forward to again either. Yuck.
At March 14, 2011 at 9:30 PM , Nicole said...: I love you and your blog! You are so honest and it's great to read. I feel the same exact way, except I have 2 and am debating a 3rd:)
At March 14, 2011 at 9:41 PM , Aly said...: wow. you just described me. so so sick this time... and beyond grumpy. hope it doesn't last the whole 9 months. love your honesty!
At March 14, 2011 at 9:48 PM , beSlightlyAskew said...: It took me 4 years before I could get pregnant with my 2nd. Because when I'm preggo, I'm awful and horrible and mean and sick and drepressed. My kids are 5 years apart and my youngest is about to turn 3. We know there's another for us but we're scared. I don't want to be sick for 9 months, and mean and have my hub not like me so much and ignore me. And I get such bad post-partum depression, it doesn't end after the 9 months. So, while I wanted 4-5, we'll have to settle for 2-3. Kids are just hard so take your time and wait til you're all ready.
At March 14, 2011 at 9:57 PM , Unknown said...: I think you wrote this post for me. (and I was sick the whole time too...blah, no fun right) xoxo
At March 14, 2011 at 9:57 PM , christa said...: I don't have hard pregnancy's so i can't even begin to understand but you are a BRAVE woman to even consider having more than one after having hard pregnancy's. but there's no rush...i think there's a stigma in church that we have kids every two years or 18 months and i think taking care of ourselves and our own mental health (especially with kids) is far more important than keeping up appearances. my first two kids are 3 years apart and i'm about to pop with #3 and this baby will be 4 years apart from my middle one, because she was harder for me i knew i had to wait longer before i could give another baby attention.
you are a smart woman, do what is good for you and your family. :)
At March 14, 2011 at 10:27 PM , Kimberly said...: You know my pregnancies were different in some ways and the same in others. With my second pregnancy I was very depressed, but not with my first. My babies are 2 years apart and it all comes together. One thing I will say is I had 3 months of constant nausea with both pregnancies. No fun! That's why I'm done.
At March 14, 2011 at 10:40 PM , Z said...: They are all legitimate reasons. I would be scared too. If it's God's will, you will have that second baby. For now, enjoy your beautiful little guy.

One of my close friends had the same condition with her first pregnancy. It was really bad. She had to be hospitilized for a few months to prevent dehydration.

Because of that condition, she was very careful to not get pregnant again because she was scared.

After 7 years, she found out she was expecting her 2nd child. And the tough part is that she had the same condition again. This time there was no hospitilazation. But she spent 4 months of the pregnancy sleeping by the toilet.

I cant imagine having to go through that so I feel you. Just leave it at Gods feet. Enjoy today :)
At March 14, 2011 at 11:29 PM , Michelle Life Buy The Beach said...: Ashers, I wish I was there to give you a really big hug right now. I couldn't sleep so I fired up my computer and read your post. It made me cry. I wish I could take away all the pain and sickness you feel so it could be a happy and joyous time for you guys. I know how much you looked forward to your pregnancy and how awful it was. I have faith that the next time will be lots better and just know that I will make sure I am there to help you any way you need me. no worries.... ok xoxoxo
At March 15, 2011 at 12:43 AM , emerson-j said...: i got tears reading this...i have 2kids already and would love more but get so sick and gestational diabetes, vomit the whole time, worry about other people horror stories of losing babies and just get depressed from it all...im blessed already and extremely lucky to have my kids but i do yearn sometimes..
At March 15, 2011 at 12:54 AM , Dj and Ashley said...: I also had Hyperemesis when I was preggers..
I know it sucks. And nobody else really gets it unless they have gone through it!
My son is 2 and my daughter just turned 1 a few days ago. With my son I was SO, SO sick. I couldn't even drink water. I was hospitalized several times for extreme dehydration, and was put on Zofran.. my lifesaver drug!

I was still miserable, but it helped enough that I was able to drink water, keep some food down, and eventually make it through the day as a normal human being, lol. I was so scared to have another baby, but lo and behold, 9 months later I was preggers again!

With my daughter it wasn't so bad, especially because I asked to be put on Zofran right away. Still sick, but nowhere near what I had with my son.

Funny, people usually say you are more sick when you are having a girl. It was the opposite for me.
I totally get the {being depressed, miserable, and not wanting to get out of bed} feeling that comes with it.
But, there is hope! Every pregnancy is different :)
You may not get sick at all with your next one.
Here's to kicking HG's butt!
At March 15, 2011 at 2:24 AM , las sandalias de ana said...: don´t worry!!! i had two child and they at last are delicious!!! je,je.good luck!

;)
At March 15, 2011 at 5:09 AM , Ashton and John's mom said...: My babies are now 15 and 17, but I suffered from hyperemesis as well. It was HORRIBLE! Not being able to take one drink of water without throwing up, being confined to your home-not having the energy to go anywhere and not sure when 'it' would hit again......horrible memories that show no signs of fading. The positive? I have two great kids! Good luck on your decision.
At March 15, 2011 at 5:37 AM , Lauren said...: I don't think I can say anything new. I only ever tried for baby #1, and now we have four! The first three came every 18 months, the last one after two years. They're great! Every pregnancy and child is different.
titus2moments.blogspot.com
At March 15, 2011 at 6:12 AM , Danyiel said...: I will say, which I am sure you have hears a zillion times, that each pregnancy is different so you never now what it might be like. I get it though, it may be just like the first and that is scary. I thought of reason number 3,454 that you are not pregnant...your new obsession La Posh Style???
At March 15, 2011 at 6:15 AM , Mrs Gable said...: Thank you for being so honest. That is one of the many reasons I enjoy reading your blog. Praying for your wonderful family! God Bless!
At March 15, 2011 at 6:39 AM , Laura said...: I know exactly how you feel. I had HG with my little W as well and I was miserable. My pregnancy with him changed who I was-it made me a horribly pessimistic and self-pitying person. We kept putting off having another, but we both realized our son NEEDS a sibbling. He NEEDS that companionship, and he needs to be humbled. He thinks he's the center of the universe! And so here I lay, 8 weeks pregnant with #2 and even though I've already been to the hosiptal once, and even though ON medication I still can't leave the couch much-I'm HAPPY. The thought of getting to cuddle another little newborn reminds me it will be SO worth it. My husband has stepped up like never before and he showers me with care, and both our families are tripping over themselves to help. I find that THIS time i can see my blessings even more thank with my first. Whenever you're ready God will give you what you need to get through it. Good luck mama!
At March 15, 2011 at 6:56 AM , Karri said...: Your honesty is so refreshing :) Thank you.
The good news is that not every pregnancy is the same. More good news? You're pretty young, so if you wait a bit between kids (and subsequent kids thereafter), you'll still be aok.

I'll share a tidbit with you...minus some bedrest due to preterm labor, my first pregnancy was pretty easy. My first baby was pretty darn awesome. So naturally, we wanted another asap, because we were creepin' on 30. Bam! Twins. And guess what? Bedrest. Then a year of what I can only describe as mostly hell, interspersed with bouts of fun to keep us from jumping off the ledge. Our poor eldest child was so good that he just went along with it. But he didn't get that attention that I truly wanted to give him. I'd not trade my babies for anything on earth, but I always tell people (and I am not just saying it because we were blessed w/ twins), don't rush it. Enjoy it. Take a little time to enjoy your babe before you have another.
At March 15, 2011 at 7:00 AM , Carmella said...: Pregnancy is hard...as you really, really know already...but so worth it...as you already really, really know :) You are such an inspiring woman, mommy, business woman.....you will know when it is the right time. And what a lucky baby it will be to have you for a mommy! And baby W's for a big brother :) Thank you for sharing....you know this is what we all really think, we are just too afraid to say it.

~Carmella
At March 15, 2011 at 7:23 AM , Cheeky D said...: I hear you loud and clear...I HATED pregnancy. Every single second of it. I was a completely different person and always joke that I will write a book about all the places I threw-up while prego. There was nothing fun and beautiful about it for me. I used to ask my Mom "why do I never see ladies bent over in the bushes before heading into a restaurant yet many people have seen me there?" I was so depressed during pregnancy that I questioned whether I would even be able to take care of our little girl. And now, I as sit and type I cannot even imagine not typing to the tune of her humming while eating rice crispies one by one.

Enjoy every second with Baby W....there is lots of time to fill your house and adoption is an option I am seriously considering to fill our house.
At March 15, 2011 at 7:31 AM , Kim said...: I love the little blanket that Wesley is using in this picture, but couldn't find it on the website. Do you know if they still carry this particular blanket?
At March 15, 2011 at 7:51 AM , kaylee@life chasers said...: I so appreciate your vulnerability. I've had many of these same thoughts thinking about #2. BUT, the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear but of power,love, and a SOUND MIND!
Praying this for you right now...
At March 15, 2011 at 8:07 AM , Orange Peanut said...: Oh Ashley - I can so relate to this!!! I too develop HG and had these same struggles!!! Nothing would bug me more than when people would think I was making it up - really, like I want to vomit, feel like I want to vomit, gag non-stop, etc...

If you want to - you can read my post about when we found out we were pregnant with Peanut #3 here: http://kanzlerthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/01/just-to-clarify.html

I just wish I could give you a big hug and tell you - go at your own pace!!! Don't let church culture or other pressures to have a baby right now sway you! Because of the serious sickness, don't be afraid to be prayerful and sure that the time is right!

Love to you!!! Megan
At March 15, 2011 at 8:26 AM , The Vintage Modern Bride said...: I completely understand why you're scared. pregnancy isn't easy and obviously the first time around wasn't too much fun for you. you're just not ready for #2 right now and that's completely OK. you'll know when you're ready again. as for now, just keep your chin up!
At March 15, 2011 at 8:40 AM , Amanda said...: I am not gonna lie, it is definitely NOT easy! It takes some getting used to, having your kids outnumber you when you are home with them by yourself. Some days I feel like maybe I am finally getting the hang of it, and that's when I usually get thrown for a loop. You will do what is right for you and your family and really, even then, it's all in the Lord's time. Just know you have a whole lot of people who will tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And that you can do it!! Sending lots of love your way!
At March 15, 2011 at 8:41 AM , kristy.lynn @ kristy.makes said...: can't say anything more than good for you for being honest. i can only empathize with those who have hyperemesis.. my best friend had it, through both her pregnancies & i can't even imagine how it must be to make the CHOICE to go through that again. i have been very fortunate in being very happy during both of my pregnancies, however the trial came in the form of getting pregnant.

being honest with yourself about it, i think, is the healthiest thing you can do for your mental status.

thanks for sharing.. :)
At March 15, 2011 at 9:02 AM , The Hansen's said...: Love your honesty in this post! I feel the same way about being pregnant...we just had our third last thursday and looking at my 3 beautiful children is so amazing! But pregnancy is not for me either :)
At March 15, 2011 at 9:09 AM , Lexie Loo, Lily, Liam & Dylan Too said...: I had hyperemesis with both of my kids, and now with #3. This time is by far the worst, and there are definitely times when I don't think I can handle it. But I've managed to make it to the halfway point, and the end result is so worth it.
It's no fun having difficult pregnancies. I have the hyperemesis, along with severe daily headaches, and preterm contractions, and I find myself envying those who really enjoy their pregnancies.
I get asked constantly why I did this again after going through the same issues twice, and my answer is always the same: I get the best gift out of the deal!
At March 15, 2011 at 9:52 AM , amycornwell said...: I'm crying right now...beautifully written.
At March 15, 2011 at 9:55 AM , ~Claire~ said...: Thank you for your blatant honesty and humour. I love that one of my fave bloggers is so human and approachable.

I was terrified of becoming pregnant again as well. Not because of the pregnancy, but because of the delivery and postpartum depression from #1.

As in, I waited over 5 years before I would even talk to hubby about the possibility of another child. And you know what, it was TOTALLY worth it. The anxiety was considerably worse than the actuality.

You will conquer your fear in time, and I wish you the continued joy of squishy cheeks and bath tub sinkers :)
At March 15, 2011 at 10:18 AM , Jon & Jen said...: I have been reading your blog now for a month or two and look forward to your posts each day. You have become a part of my morning routine of checking emails and blogs.

I too suffered with this condition during my first, and only (so far), pregnancy. I am completely terrified of being pregnant for a second time. I have a lot of the same fears... not being able to take care of my little girl is at the top of my list.

I literally laid in bed for 26 weeks and every time I moved, even the slightest movement, I threw up. I was throwing up straight bile at times because there was simply nothing else left in me to throw up. I had to quit my job and even withdrew from my last semester of college because I was too sick to even sit up to look at the computer or read a book. I was miserable. My jaw literally hits the floor every single time I hear a woman say that they love to be pregnant. This time for me was easily the worst nine months of my life. The end result was much better than anything I could have imagined and well worth it, but I am in absolutely no hurry to do it again.

My guess is that you are maybe feeling like it's time to have baby #2... I was feeling pressured to get pregnant with baby #2 for several reasons a few months back. I wanted my kids to be close enough in age to be friends, but I finally came to peace with the fact that I am not ready. And that's okay. I still haven't finished my degree, although I am working on it. (With a baby/toddler, I haven't been able to take 18 credit hours a semester like I could prior to life with a little one.) I want to get a few more things in order and I am really enjoying my life with my husband and 21 month old daughter right now the way it is. I look forward to a second baby(not the pregnancy part so much.. I really try to not think about that part at all in fact), but now is not the time for us. And that's okay.

My point is simply that you sound a lot like me a few months ago and I understand the way you feel. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide. I really hope that the next pregnancy for both of us is easier :) And if it isn't, we will make it through.
At March 15, 2011 at 10:19 AM , Felicita said...: I had the same concerns as you! I have severe morning sickness as well. I would not wish that one anyone. I lost weight, couldn't eat anything, my smell was super sensitive - just horrible.

I finally got to a point that I was ok with having another baby. I removed my IUD on March 1st and can't wait for another baby. My son is 2.5 and "kinda" manageable so I'm hoping its a good time to start for a brother or sister.

You'll get there and you'll know when you're ready. Up until a month ago my son was going to be an only child but from one month to another things changed. I also didn't want them to be too far apart. My son is way to hyper NOT to have a brother or sister to play with.
At March 15, 2011 at 10:22 AM , Erin said...: I am new to your blog. This post touched my heart. I probably had that morning sickness thing, ( I already forgot what it's called). But now we ARE trying to have another baby, it's tough. Thinking back on how hard my first pregnancy was, and all of the stress of trying to get knocked up again, I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it. But where you said that you dream of having lots of kids, too many bikes, and loud Christmases where you have to trudge though a sea of wrapping paper; that is what I want too. When Heavenly Father wants you to have another baby, you'll be ready. Thanks for your honesty.
At March 15, 2011 at 10:22 AM , Carrie said...: I've had HG with all of my pregnancies. I'm now on baby number 4, and there have been so many times that I've asked myself, "Why on earth did I do this?!?" Because of your sweet little boy, I'm sure you know that it's all worth it in the end, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I don't know if you've found the Hyperemesis website, helpher.org, but it has helped me so much. There's a lot of good ideas to try to help you feel better, but I think that we all know we're not going to feel better until the baby is out.

It took me three years to finally say that I was ready to try for number four, and my husband and I both know that this will be our last...because I just can't do it anymore. Like you said, HG truly effects every aspect of your life - your relationship with your husband, your ability to take care of existing kids, your ability to take care of yourself, everything! I go to bed each night extremely proud of myself that I've made it through another day and that we're that much closer to me feeling normal again.

You'll do it again when you're ready. Don't push yourself too soon. Gather your support network now, and make sure you have a good doctor lined up that will take care of you. I really hope everything goes well for you when you're ready.
At March 15, 2011 at 11:38 AM , Amanda Kumher said...: I am a testimony that it can change... I have had 6 pregnancies... 4 I had HG and was healed during the 4th... the 5th and 6th were normal morning sickness.....
You described it perfectly, I know each moment... and only a few can. If you would like to read my story on how the Lord healed me please let me know... I don't want to push it on you... because I know what it feels like to be told how to get better....
Blessings and prayers
At March 15, 2011 at 12:50 PM , ashley @ little miss momma said...: For those who have asked,

here is a direct link to the blankee Baby W is sporting in this post:

http://www.blanketmybaby.com/groovy-guitar-lovey

And to everyone else, your comments have touched me more than I have words to express. Thank you for giving me strength and reminding me that I'm not alone.

xoxo, LMM
At March 15, 2011 at 1:19 PM , Jen Staffeldt said...: So I was JUST thinking 'What is baby W's name?' and then read this post and thought I wonder why Wesley is embroidered on his blanket....then I got it! His name is Wesley - baby W is for Wesley. Too funny!

I, for some reason, thought Wyatt was his name. He kind of looks like a Wyatt to me. ha ha!
At March 15, 2011 at 7:46 PM , lauren@warmandfuzzy said...: I love this post. I had HORRIFIC migraines when I was pregnant with my second son. I spent the last two months on bed rest and had to take a leave of absencen from my job as a teacher and then the last month of bed rest was spent in and out of the hopital getting IV pain meds...sometimes to the point of DEMEROL to make the pain and vomiting stop. IT WAS HORRIBLE. People ask us all the time if we are done and although we have done nothing permanent we are done. I cannot go through that again. I have two beautiful boys and they are blessing our lives each and every day. I do not need a little girl to make out family complete we are complete and I am ok with that. I hate when people ask, oh dont you want a little girl...uhmm not really I grew up one of three girls...we can be reeeeallly catty most of the time...I can deal with out that LOL

thanks for sharing and with such honesty. :)
At March 15, 2011 at 7:51 PM , Mindy said...: I can sympathize with a lot of your fears, and I know how hard it is to imagine having another little one and going through all of those exhausting moments again. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you have to fit into their image of what a mother, (or expecting mother) "should be"!

Only you know how much your body and mind can handle at this moment in time, and you have to wait until you, and your whole family is truly ready. Savor what you have. There is always tomorrow to change your mind =)
At March 15, 2011 at 7:57 PM , Heather M said...: I Can't Thank you enough for this post, You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm soo ready for #2 but Ive been so scared and I think you stated every single fear I have felt. Your an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING women and Mother,I appreciate your honesty!! THANK YOU!
At March 16, 2011 at 1:53 PM , Ellyn said...: What a sweet little cutie pie! One day you will just have to give him a sibling.. but only when you are ready! :)
At March 16, 2011 at 1:55 PM , Karyn said...: You're a doll and your baby is adorable. I have 5 kiddos, oldest is 9 and youngest is 2. LOVE it! But I remember my hubby's face when I told him #2 was on the way and we were still poor college students. Absolute FEAR.

Now we are right in the middle of your paragraph about Saturdays filled with soccer games, although right now it is 2 in baseball, one in softball and 2 still in basketball. Our family recently visited an older widow and enjoyed an evening with her. I realized I LOVE my chaotic life, because soon (hopefully not too soon since I'm still in my 30's)I will be an empty nester as well. It doesn't matter how many you have just as long as they are all happy. And FYI my first 2 are 15 months apart so my 2nd pregnancy wasn't as bad because I was so busy with my baby. But it is all up to you and your hubby and the Lord.
At March 17, 2011 at 6:55 PM , Erin said...: I so understand about being prego. I hate it. I hate that everyone else on the planet loves it. I love both of sons to pieces but I really can't stand the thought of going through it all again.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It will all work out.
At March 17, 2011 at 11:41 PM , Pink Princess said...: He is SO sweet, what a cutie pie ♥
At March 18, 2011 at 8:19 AM , Amanda said...: I love your honesty! I was very sick almost every day my entire pregnancy and I can't get over the idea of having to go through that all over again while taking care of a little one. It's so good to hear I'm not the only one that has the same fears you shared! Thank You!
At March 18, 2011 at 10:15 PM , Jami Graham said...: Wow! Thank you for your honesty! I am so bummed I wasn't able to go to BBC and missed you! I just announced we were pregnant and I seriously know those fears without knowing it! This is our first time being pregnant but I am not me, I don't want to get out, talk to anyone, get ready or anything.

Thank you again!
At March 23, 2011 at 9:06 AM , Some Korean Website Highjacker said...: hi Ashley,

i've just come over from Heathers "just lovely things" and have been taking a wonderful stroll though your goodness. this post totally stuck out and kudos to you for expressing your feelings in such an honest/open way.

what a tough mix of emotions to go through, i can't imagine what the struggles during your pregnancy were really like but hearing about it through your writing makes me feel like i wanna give you a big hug it.

i haven't been able to conceive as of yet & we've been looking into possible adoption options b/c i too dream of one day having a house-load full of kiddos & their kiddos running around. your Wesley is an orb angel, how is it that little boys always end up with the most gorgeous lashes ever?! he is truly a handsome one. cheers to your cheek smushes with him and the day when you're ready to begin a new life's page with an added babe(s) to your awesome fam jam. ♥
At April 8, 2011 at 9:20 AM , C C & R said...: I hope you read your comments back this far! I just discovered your blog and love, love, love it. I too had hyperemesis gravidarum during my first pregnancy and my second! And honestly, it sounds ridiculous, but the second was easier. Probably because I knew what to expect. It wasn't fun, but it was easier. Good luck with everything when that time comes!

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Monday, March 14, 2011

The REAL Reason I'm Not Pregnant With No. 2

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