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Secret Series Finale: Brave Women Reveal Tough Secrets {link up YOUR secrets}

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Little Miss Momma: Secret Series Finale: Brave Women Reveal Tough Secrets {link up YOUR secrets}

Friday, December 3, 2010

Secret Series Finale: Brave Women Reveal Tough Secrets {link up YOUR secrets}

Secret Series Conclusion
{link up your secrets}


A Step Momma's Secret:

I'm ashamed of my secret but I know that others may share the same one.
I'm not sure that I like my step-children,
and I'm not sure that I like my husband sometimes due to his children.
I try really hard to like them-I really do.
I try to plan birthday parties, or help with homework, or even something like making dinner or helping clean their rooms.
I seek help through counseling and on-line step-mom groups.
Its not working. I feel like a complete failure.
-Anne

A Self Concious Secret:

I have been married for almost 5 months.
I have put on some weight since we got engaged in April,
and I am super self conscious about it.
My husband tells me that he can't tell and that I am beautiful.
I just can't agree with him.
I am getting where I don't want him to touch me or see me because I feel so uncomfortable with myself.
I hate that I feel like he is just lying to me.
I just feel helpless and like I'm not good enough for him anymore.
-Julie

A Defeated Wife's Secret

It's late.
I should be in bed.
But I CAN"T SLEEP.
Because all I can think about is the fact that the man sleeping next to me-
MY HUSBAND-
has images of other women in his head.
YES. MY husband has a problem with PORNOGRAPHY.

This sad fact came to my attention about a month ago.
Due to job schedules, my husband and I were apart for a month at the beginning of the summer and a month at the end. Apparantly my husband's ample free time led him to explore on the computer.

WHAT STARTED AS INNOCENT- browsing on the internet for something work or school or hobby related- turned worse as sidebar images of women in bikinis popped up.

Now being from southern California, this was not an umcommon sight for him. But something struck his fancy and he persued it.

Eventually he found himself SEARCHING FOR PORNOGRAPHY.
He knew it was wrong,
that it was degrading his marriage,
that it would injure his relationship with God.
But he still did it.
All the while I had NO IDEA.
When we were together during the summer, the problem "WENT AWAY."
But when I left, he turned to images of OTHER WOMEN to keep him company.

He CONFESSED to me about a month ago.
I was shocked,
hurt,
angry,
scared,
jealous,
you name it.

But he was seeking help and truly seemed like he wanted to START OVER and sought sincere forgiveness. I was angry, but how could I not forgive the MAN I LOVE for falling into Satan's trap? So life moved on.
I thought things were going better.

He even installed computer software to protect from pornography. The password was even "I LOVE MY WIFE".

I thought the days of pornography were in the PAST...
UNTIL TODAY.

When I found out that my husband was AGAIN looking at pornography.
Now I am not just hurt. I am CRUSHED, I am not just angry, I am FURIOUS and RESENTFUL.

Why him?
Why me?
Am I not a good enough wife?
Do I not please him?
Is it that apparant I've missed the gym the past... 5 months?
He assures me that is not the case at all.
But I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

I do not understand, how he could let the power of Satan influence him to the point that he would push the boundaries of damaging or destroying our marriage. Sure, he seems repentant now and says, "I"LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN," but I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

Is it the end?
Will I ever be able to feel confortable in his arms.
Will I ever be able to know that I am the ONLY WOMAN he is thinking about? Or picturing?

And who can I confide in? NO ONE.
Because they will JUDGE my husband.
And goodness knows I am doing enough of that right now.
And I do not want that for him.
HE is having a hard time as it is, without friends and family chastising or ridiculing him.

And also because I LOVE HIM...with all my heart.
Even if he does have a problem... Heaven help me...
-Bella
  _______________________________________________________________________________

It's me again, Ashley
Well what can I say,
Secret Week has been inspiring,
but it has also been heart wrenching and emotional.
Every night I went to bed with silent prayers in my heart for the brave souls who had confided their deepest darkest secrets with me.  It was a lot to take in.
There were so many secrets I was not able to share, simply because the week wasn't long enough.
But their stories touched my heart, and they will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Now it's your turn.
We want to hear your secrets,
to remind us that
WE'RE NOT ALONE!
this is your chance...
{you can link up for the rest of December}
You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

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13 Comments:

At December 3, 2010 at 12:34 AM , Blogger Tahnie said...

This idea is brilliant. Thank you so much for starting this. I am working a post about my secret, trying to be bold enough to just write about it and let the bravery come after. I've been given the biggest miracle of my LIFE this year, and yet I still constantly worry about every little thing.

<3

 
At December 3, 2010 at 1:09 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anne-

I haven't been in your shoes but I feel for you. I think you are doing all you can. Press on. If you keep doing your best and doing what's right the rest will fall into place when it's supposed to.

Julie-

I want to just hug you. I don't know your husband but if he is like my husband and most men he isn't lying. I do the same thing. I wonder if he is lying about liking all my flaws. They seem so obvious to me but, he doesn't care? Really?

Have you seen the movie Eat, Pray, Love? Julia Robert's character says something along the lines of... when men get in a room with a naked woman that they love, no matter what she looks like, they feel like they have won the jack pot. I am sure your husband would agree. Sorry to be crude. I bet it hurts him to see you so disappointed in yourself when he probably does think you are beautiful and he loves you. Denying him the ability to show he means it through affection has got to make him even more distraught. You are beautiful dang it! I mean that with all the love in my heart. I just hate to hear you beat yourself up and I have never met you.

Bella,

Oh how I love you. Get help. There are programs in place to help you. You are not alone and neither is your husband. It sounds like he is addicted. As much as he desires to be better he CANNOT help it. I know it sounds stupid and wrong. But it's true. Pornography is as or more addictive than drugs like cocaine. He needs help and he will never be rid of the this monkey on his back. Not in this life. But he can get the tools to combat it so it doesn't ruin his life. He just has to be extra vigilant. Go see a counselor. Not the first one recommended to you. Shop around if you can. You have to find one that fits his personality so that he can make real progress. Go the support groups for this addiction provided by the LDS (Mormom) Church. It helps to have someone to talk to.

My husband suffers from the same addiction. It has been a long, long, long road that still brings me sorrow. But I have gotten help too so that I can better help him and so that I can be happy. And I am. We are happy. I didn't think I would be able to say that five years ago when our marriage was on the brink of divorce. But we are happy. We continue to have children and live a normal life. I don't tell anyone about it,not even my family, but nothing is a secret between us anymore. No secrets allowed. That is a nasty thing about this addiction,keeping it a secret. If he knows he will have to tell me or someone else about it later,it helps him not to. He still has bad days but I know about them. He can trust me to support him and encourage him to do better the next day until...it is weeks or months in between "bad days." Through counseling and taking the time to pray and talk about it we are learning his triggers and how to help him work through it.

If you really really love him...and it sounds like you do because you are so mad at him for betraying you.I understand how that feels. Like what's the difference between that and adultery? I understand. I have come to understand with God's help that there is a difference. If you love him and he is really trying,if his heart is in the right place,it is worth it to stay with him and learn how to overcome this extremely difficult trial. It is. I pray you will find the help and love that you need.

You may think I sound delusional. Me five years ago would have. Learn more about it. It will help.

 
At December 3, 2010 at 6:01 AM , Anonymous Ashley said...

I read through a lot of your recent posts, especially back to the beginning of the Secrets Series. It was a fantastic idea and inspired some new material.

I'll be back for sure.

Ashley

 
At December 3, 2010 at 9:29 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bella~
Although this has never happened to me, this is my worst fear! I don't think I would deal with it at all. My heart aches for you and the way you must be feeling. I'm not sure what words to use, but hope your mind and heart are able to heal quickly so that you don't have to feel so yucky any longer. I truly feel for you. Bless you for trying to be a loving and forgiving wife!

 
At December 3, 2010 at 5:34 PM , Blogger Klove said...

I love and appreciate that you've given these women a safe place to unload these heavy burdens.I'm a new follower and definitely will be back.

 
At December 3, 2010 at 7:37 PM , Anonymous Bella said...

Anonymouses-
Thank you so much for the words of love and support. It truly means the world to me to know that women I don't even know care about me and my situation and are praying for me.
LMM- thank you SOOOOOOO so much for this opportunity. You have blessed my life in more ways than you know.
My husband has been seeing our church leader (his Bishop), but it is still difficult. During church a few weeks ago the Bishop was addressing the congregation in regard to the overwhelming issue of Pornography. We go to church with a bunch of "newlyweds" (between 0-5 years typcally). Our church leader said that in our congregation, 1 in 3 couples are affected by pornography issues. He said to turn and look at the 2 couples next to us- one of them in struggling with this addiction. It hurts to know that it is us.
To those women who are not affected, you can never be too careful. Up until this issue, my husband had never had ANY kind of issue with immorality. Even when we were dating he was very good at reigning in his emotions and always had me home by midnight so we wouldn't be led into temptation. I have had a few friends whose husbands have sturggled with pornography and let me tell you, I WAS SURE IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME.
You can not be too careful. Keep computers in a public area. Put filters on computers (I suggest K9). When you have teenagers, be open with them is discussing important matters like this. It is my prayer that NO WOMAN would ever have to go through what I have.
Thanks again...
~Bella

 
At December 3, 2010 at 7:45 PM , Blogger Logan and Sydney said...

Can we keep doing this? I mean, I always checked your blog, but now I'm ADDICTED!

 
At December 4, 2010 at 11:12 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

bella,

your secret i fear is one many hold. i know i do... pornography first affected my family when i was in jr. high and led to my mom and step-dad divorcing. my step-dad became a completely different person. i remember he would lock himself in the computer room for hours while my mom was at work. my brothers would be outside the door crying and he still wouldn't come out. at that time i didn't really know get what he was doing in there. i think deep down i knew but didn't want to believe it or something.

fast forward to my marriage 10 years later. it's my biggest fear that my husband will do the same thing.... it's led to an almost paranoia on my end. especially since when we were newly married i walked in on him at the computer looking at it. we've worked through it... well i should say are working through it because i think it will always be a temptation that is there. but it's always on my mind, probably more on my mind then his even. it scares me to death. the way it can affect people and what it can lead to is a scary thing in this life. i'm sure this is obvious but my husband says one thing that helps him is when he reads his scriptures on a daily basis. so encourage that... as i'm sure you already do!

well, i just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in this. i believe this is one of satans most powerful tools in this day and age. continue to have faith and pray to your heavenly father and your burden will be made lighter. i don't know you but i love you already just because we share a common bond.

 
At December 4, 2010 at 9:22 PM , Blogger Everyday Mom Ideas said...

These women are so brave!!! as women we often want to put things like this under the rug not on the internet. Its women like these that make a difference and help give other women strength.

stopping by from the SITStahood.

 
At December 6, 2010 at 9:50 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bella-
Tears were brought to my eyes when I read your secret. It is mine also. My feelings are exactly the same -- I could have written it myself.

It has been 10 years since I first found out. He promised to stop and got monitoring software but I later caught him again. We have a great marriage otherwise; however, I still struggle with insecurities regarding this issue.

Even though it has been 10 years, I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again. I feel betrayed.

 
At December 11, 2010 at 9:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that you have this blog to tell secrets. The comfort of strangers is so nice! I love it.

Bella, I too share your same secret. As many of the other ladies said, it's a sick addiction. It's like drugs. It sucks you in and doesn't let go. When it happened to me, I had been married to my hubby for 3 years. We had just had our first child. She was premature, and to deal with the stress of having a baby in the hospital I turned to food, and he turned to the computer. I didn't find out about it until months later when he moved to Utah for a job and I stayed behind in another state. He was lonely and started looking at porn. I too, like everyone else felt DEVASTATED! His got to the point where he was looking for 'friends' online. I nearly left him. I went through a lot of counseling. If he wasn't willing to change himself, all I could do was work on myself. He eventually came around and went to get things taken care of through our church. It was and is still so hard to trust him. It can be done though. My advice to you is to keep the lines of communication open. Ask him about it, that's what I do. I also threw away any movies, magazines, anything that might get him thinking about porn. I also learned all I could about my computer, so I can look up the history to see if he's been looking when I'm not home. It's a horrible thing to have to go through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you find a way to get past the hurt. It takes a while but it can happen. Trust can be regained, you my dear 'secret' friend will be in my prayers. So will all the rest of you who are silently suffering.

I support a group called CP80. Google them if you can. The more people we can get to support this cause the better.
Much love and prayers to you all!

 
At December 21, 2010 at 2:38 AM , Blogger christa elyce said...

oh ashley,

i know exactly how you feel. you have to know that your husband does not want to be where he is at. the addiction has taken his free angency. it has given him a high that he needs to move on with the day. i know...i've been to the classes that they provide within our church. i can understand the addiction. you need to go to the classes. you and your husband can fix your marriage and relationship. it sounds like he really loves you.

christa

 
At January 30, 2011 at 10:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I am a little late commenting on this, but I just wanted to add my two cents. Bella- Again, as many others have divulged, my husband and I have gone through these trials. We have been married for 7 years, and his problem started our first year of marriage. Needless to say, we had a rough past 6 or so years. There was a point where we were separated and I wasn't sure we were going to stay together. We sought counseling, met with our Bishop, everything. That was one of the hardest times of my life. I, too, had SO much anger and resentment (the list of emotions could go on, right?). I read an Ensign article during that time that was a wife's experience dealing with this issue, and I had the hardest time accepting the counsel support my husband and try to make things better and happier. I just didn't feel it. My biggest regret was that, at that point, I decided to stop caring. I know this sounds bad, but it was my way of coping. It was the worst decision I made. Not necessarily just because of how it affected our relationship, but because of how it affected my relationship with the Lord. I didn't understand at the time that when I turned off my feelings for my husband, or put a wall between us, that I was also putting a wall between me and the Lord. I didn't fully understand that marriage is a three-way communication, and if you cut off one, you cut off all. I let my fear, anger, resentment etc. take over for a time, even though I continued on with my normal life, and have lived to regret that decision.
Fast forward a few years. It has taken SO much time and effort, but I can honestly and TRULY say that I love my husband more than I have ever loved him, and I am happier than I have ever been in our relationship. I struggle to forgive myself for not being there when my husband needed me because I allowed my reactions to outweigh the eternal perspective our marriage has. He has worked SO hard, and honestly, still isn't perfect. He is often tempted, which I believe he always will be because Satan knows that that has been a weakness, and you know him, he will always attack, and will try new ways to attack the same weakness. My husband understands this now and that also helps him to overcome that temptation. My honest advice would be don't turn away from him. Allow yourself to feel these feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, lack of trust, etc. etc. etc., and when you are able, decide to forgive him. One thing I have learned through this long-lasting trial is that the Lord NEVER gives up on us, and that through His Atonement, we CAN forgive our husbands. Go to the Temple, if you are able, and pray until you feel it. The Lord will lead and guide you, and I promise, if you stick this out and work through it with the amazing Atonement Christ freely offers, your marriage can be even STRONGER than it was before, or even could have been. Remember that the Lord gives us trials so that we can be strong. He will not ask you to suffer more than you are able, and what I have learned from that, is that when you get to the breaking point, and you just KNOW you can't take ONE MORE THING, turn to the Lord, and HE will take the rest. I KNOW this works!!! I pray that you will have peace in your heart and know that even though the Lord does not want your husband to have this weakness and for you to go through this trial, you can become better and stronger because of it.
I hope this helps! :) <3

 

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