Little Miss Momma: A Daughter's Confession: Secret #4 {on Secret Week}

Monday, November 29, 2010

A Daughter's Confession: Secret #4 {on Secret Week}

Elle is oh-so-brave for sharing her deepest, darkest thoughts with us...

Here is Elle's secret.

It makes me feel like an evil person:

I sort of look forward to life without my mom.
Yes, that's right: like when she is dead.
Oh, that is so horrible.

I do love my mom, and I don't wish her dead.

It's just that she is a constant source of stress in my life.
My relationship with my husband has suffered and continues to suffer an enormous strain because of her.

I have to tell my kids that what Grandma said or did was inappropriate after we spend time with her. I look forward to the weight being off my shoulders.

I realize that I will probably have to seek counseling to come to terms with those emotions,
if I really do feel relief from her death.
Ugh.

Let's show Elle some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar---->
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!

On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

Labels: Secret Series

23 Comments:

At November 29, 2010 at 5:57 PM , Mindy said...: Elle,
I know what you are talking about. My situation isn't the same as yours, but my mom makes my life difficult as well. She came over the day I came home with my newborn and wanted to be confrontational. You are not alone! BTW...I have kept my blog a secret from her and have her limited to what she can see on FB.
At November 29, 2010 at 6:00 PM , Justine said...: Elle, you are not alone. My situation is not the same as yours, but I think I have an idea about what you're saying. My mom gets so upset with me if I don't answer her phone calls. She'll constantly leave me messages asking me to call her back. And don't you ever have those times where you just do not want to pick up the phone? I think growing up, my mom taught me how to stress out. I feel like because she gave me so many responsibilities at a really young age, I didn't learn how to be a kid, I constantly think about the worst case scenario in almost every situation. It's just too much burden and it makes me feel so heavy.

Just Better Together
At November 29, 2010 at 6:26 PM , christa said...: I totally get it...all though I don't look forward to the day my mom dies...my parents have recently moved out of state and it has been such a stress relief on my marriage! All though we are still taking care of their house here and there (totally bugs my husband) soon it will be sold and we can look forward to yearly visits!
My point...maybe pray for your parents to move or for your husband to get some amazing job opportunity...out of state! :) You never know, it could happen! ;)
At November 29, 2010 at 6:53 PM , Sarah@AlpinePoppy said...: Elle, my heart goes out to you! I too love my Mom, but she is a regular source of stress for me, she recently told my husband that he should be medicated! {he is, by the way, wonderfully supportive and kind}
I am one of seven girls, and all of my sisters seem to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, except me. Ahhhh, it is a very frustrating and difficult position to be in.
I have a daughter, and I am always re thinking what say to her, in an effort to not repeat her mistakes.
That took a tremendous amount of courage for you to share, thank you!
At November 29, 2010 at 6:54 PM , Sarah@AlpinePoppy said...: I am proud of you :)
At November 29, 2010 at 6:58 PM , Cynthia said...: I have no advice, just wanted to say you are not alone. I could have written this myself.
At November 29, 2010 at 7:07 PM , Andi said...: Elle, What you did took an incredible amount of courage...I'm sorry your relationship with your mom has caused you so much stress. I hope that being completely honest and getting your feelings out has relieved some of it for you. God Bless.
At November 29, 2010 at 7:42 PM , Anonymous said...: Although there are days I feel this way about my mom for me it is my mother in law. My husband and I fight the week before and the week after they visit. It is stressful leading up to their visit and I am offended after their visit. There are many nights I just wish it was 20 years from now when she would be gone. Ugg. Stay strong. You're not alone.
At November 29, 2010 at 8:12 PM , A Babbling Brunette said...: Elle, like others have said, you are not alone in having these thoughts. I once felt the exact same way. Although my relationship with my mother is still far from great it has improved. I pray that your relationship will mend and that you will stay strong through it all! Don't beat yourself up. The things you are describing and feeling are things I think many daughters have felt before.
At November 29, 2010 at 8:19 PM , Delia said...: Elle,

I wouldn't wait until she passes to get counseling. Getting counseling doesn't mean your crazy...or is it that everyone is at least a little crazy whether they realize it or not? :) It can give you emotional tools that will help you deal with her now and maybe help your relationship. I have had similar issues and changes I thought I would never see in the person that I had problems dealing with, have occurred. Things aren't perfect but as I have made changes in myself as well, it has made a wonderful difference and the burden has been eased a little. I hope that helps! Sorry you have to face such a conflicting relationship.
At November 29, 2010 at 9:00 PM , Lyndsey said...: I have some of the same feelings.. my heart sinks sometimes when I see my moms number on my phone- after calling me 10 times already that day. I am my mothers crutch and her fix- it lady. She calls me with all her problems and I take care of them for her. There have been days when balancing taking care of her and my family is almost to much to handle.
My mother in law is the same way!!
Me and my husband lie in bed sometimes and dream about the day when our lives belong to us.. and we can make decisions for our little family- and not always what is best for our mothers!!
Thanks for sharing.. it makes me feel a lot better to know that I am not the only one having these feelings!!!
At November 29, 2010 at 9:08 PM , Newton Party of FIVE. said...: Elle, this took a huge amount of courage. I can relate to this post 100%. I completely know where you are coming from. My mom is 80% of the reason I stress out. She has gotten in between my husband and i's relationship on a number of occasions. And I too have two little girls that I always have to tell I'm sorry for my own mothers behavior and the things that come out of her mouth. I'm ashamed of her and I feel like I have no idea who she is. She recently asked my 8 year old little girl who her boyfriend at school was for the week? Ahhh, I wanted to smack her. I just want you to know you are NOT even close to being alone. Were in the same boat and I'm helping you paddle! ;) xo
At November 29, 2010 at 10:08 PM , ann @ mylifeasprose said...: elle,

i am right there with you. love my mom... and hate myself for it, but have the same feelings.

i wish i had more to say... honestly, i've found comfort talking to friends about my feelings and my relationship with my mom... we jokingly refer to it as the "crazy mom club."

it's helped me to learn to lower my expectations and protect myself and my husband from the negativity and destructive behaviors. it's sad, but it's how i keep sane.

i just hope and pray (and try to plan) to never be that mom to my kids.
At November 29, 2010 at 11:53 PM , Kayla said...: Elle,
I have the exact same issue with my mom and have gone to counseling. It helped a TON, but now I'm worried because I just became a mother for the first time to a girl and 1) Don't want to have to keep the two of them apart, but will if my mother can't control herself and 2) fear that I will be just like her and my daughter will be saying this 25 years from now.

You have such courage to admit this and I can guess that you have been altering your life to fit hers and her moods which alters your children and your husband's lives. The counseling helped me realize that I can't change my mom no matter how much I try to change the situation so I needed to deal with things head on and it gave me the courage to do so. I hope things get better.

Kayla
mrswilkes07@yahoo.com
At November 30, 2010 at 5:47 AM , Anonymous said...: You are not alone in your feelings and frustrations.

Everything that I love (including my husband, and my God) "gets in the way" of what my mom wants of me. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, but he stands up for me to her, so to her he's not good enough.

She doesn't accept me for who I am, she always wants me to be more what she wants me to be. She's even asked me to pray for God to help me to be more open minded (read: to be what she wants me to be).

I want to be close to her, but as things stand, I don't feel that I can feel close to her. I am praying about it(God's will in our relationship, not what she wants), and right now that it the best thing that I can do.
At November 30, 2010 at 8:47 AM , TLF said...: Elle,
I feel like I could have written this post myself. I do not kid. Sad really. I hope my children never feel the same.
At November 30, 2010 at 11:15 AM , Unknown said...: I find your secret releaving. I see so many bloggers expressing there love and thankfulness for there mom and I could never do so. And makes me feel guilty even though it's not my fault. My mother is mean and inappropriate. This was the first Thanksgiving eating at grandma's without her and it was one of our most pleasant family meals. I feel terrible and guilty for saying so but it's true. I've thought about making my own blog post about this but she might read it. She really doesn't read my blog but that would be the day she decided to check it out. *hurumph*
At November 30, 2010 at 11:18 AM , Michelle @ Dibble Dabble Life said...: I feel the same way about my father in law. Some days I think my husband feels the same way.

I always feel bad for thinking that and I know he will be missed once he is gone, but in the meantime why can't he be easier to deal with?? I always joke that I am the one that married a man with a lot of baggage because of everything we have to do for his father, brother, and sisters.

It is NEVER ENDING, he calls at least 10 times a day (starting at 7:30 a.m. every morning) and it is always some sort of drama, him fussing about one of my husband's siblings, or him needing me or my husband to do something for someone.

I just want to scream and ask him if he doesn't realize we have our own family of 6 to care for, but then I remember he does know that and he just doesn't care.

Glad to know I am not the only one with feelings like this about a loved one!

Elle, thanks for sharing!
At November 30, 2010 at 11:26 AM , Unknown said...: I just want to note that my mom didn't show up to Thanksgiving. She picked a fight with my sister because my sister wanted to bring potato chips to the dinner and mom thought grandma had enough food already. Which ended in screaming and name calling. I really have no idea how I turned out so good.
At November 30, 2010 at 5:12 PM , Kayla said...: You are not the only one, and you are so brave to share that. My mom and dad can be very difficult to deal with- they get aggravated at people who don't do things their way. And most of the times I feel like my mom uses me as her crutch because she is forever asking me to do something for her that she could do herself. My maternal grandmother though is the real problem. She is very negative, and hates men. She has a problem with a man being a man, and my husband is the man of our house- he is not mean or rude or a tyrant, just firm when he needs to be. She ruined her own marriage like this, and she has nearly ruined mine and my mother's. I had to almost stop talking to her because of this, and if you start disagreeing with her, she gets mad. She has made me so upset over the simplest things that it will just ruin my whole day. I see some of the same patterns in my mom- she has a tendency not to listen to me where my daughter is concerned (what she may have to eat, play with, etc.) All we can do is pray for those people, and pray that God gives us the strength and direction to deal with them in the right way. Limiting contact with my grandmother has helped so much, sad to say it but it's true.
At November 30, 2010 at 5:57 PM , Anonymous said...: Be patient with yourself and your mom. I felt the same way for many years. Now 5 years have passed since my mom left this earth. The thing I'm most shocked by is how much I miss her and all the craziness she brought into my life. She was a very ill and complicated person, but she was my mom. Don't be too hard on yourself, as you can read above, lot's of people have similar feelings - just brace yourself for feelings you might not be prepared for one day.
At December 2, 2010 at 5:27 PM , Anonymous said...: This is Elle. Thank you for all of your kind words. I don't feel as alone about this anymore. This has been a rather cathartic experience - getting it off my chest. I have committed to praying for a change in MY attitude and boundaries, rather than only praying for a change in my mom. Thanks, everyone.
At December 2, 2010 at 10:53 PM , Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for writing this. My mother has been a constant force of negativity my whole life. I have stopped talking to her for the past 2 years and I feel free. I love my mother and I know that somewhere under all that hate and discontentment she is an amazing woman but at some point I had to take control of mine and my families lives. I am happy with my choice and I forgive my mother for whatever faults she has but I simply had to choose what was best for my emotional wellbeing. But the worst thing is that people will ask me if we have "made up" or tell me that we need to and it really upsets me because I think they have no right to judge my situation. Nor do I feel that I need to elaborate on my personal life with people who do not know better but it makes me ill to hear that, like we got in a fight over something little instead of something critical.
Thank you for bravely sharing!

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Monday, November 29, 2010

A Daughter's Confession: Secret #4 {on Secret Week}

23 Comments:

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