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A Future Momma's Plea: Secrets #5 Revealed {on Secret Week}

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Little Miss Momma: A Future Momma's Plea: Secrets #5 Revealed {on Secret Week}

Monday, November 29, 2010

A Future Momma's Plea: Secrets #5 Revealed {on Secret Week}

I know my "secret" isn't much of a secret,
everyone in my life knows how badly I want a baby,
but I don't think anybody really understands or realizes just how hard it's been for me to cope with each and every new pregnancy happening around me...

I don't think anybody realizes just how incredibly insane I have become.

I love reading your blog,
and I love reading the blogs of other momma's out there.
It's almost like I live vicariously through other Momma bloggers--it's easier to be excited for strangers. I am genuinely happy for every single one of my friends that gets pregnant, but at the same time, I also can't stand it.

It all started when I found out I was pregnant in May 2007.
It would be our first {and only} pregnancy
and I was beside myself with pure happiness.

My hubby and I had just bought our house,
our lives were in order,
the timing was right,
we were totally ready for this baby...

I spent every night putting together a baby registry and day dreaming of names... this baby in my tummy was everything to me.

Almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant,
I started having cramping, and bleeding,
and found out my hormones weren't going up like they should...

I was likely going to loose my baby.
Despite all of this, I decided to take the long trip to visit my grandpa.
He was getting sicker with ALS), and each day could be his last.

While visiting my Grandpa in Oklahoma,
I ended up going through a full miscarriage.

I felt like it was my own fault, for going on that trip.
Maybe, if I would have stayed home, where I belonged, I might have been able to keep my baby.

For the next few weeks I moped around, and started planning when we would go ahead and try conceiving again...

Then, I got a phone call from my sister in law,
to tell me she was pregnant... and had gotten pregnant on her honeymoon.

Then, three of my best friends all announced they were also pregnant...
My soul was crushed.

I feigned happiness for them,
and then spent an hour on the floor in the shower crying and asking God, what I did to deserve this.

I promised I would never do anything to anyone ever again, I would be a good mom, and a good wife if he would only let me join my friends and have a baby. But no baby came.

And so the pattern continues,
every time someone new gets pregnant.
And then I try to find something about everyone that deems them less suitable then myself, to be a mother.

Which is so difficult when they are genuinely good women who will make awesome Mommas...

Three and a half years later, I'm still going through the same thing.
I can't move on.

When I found out my last single brother in law was getting married, I told my husband that he "better hurry up and get me pregnant, before I end up with another pregnant sister in law, at which point, I just may just shoot myself!"

He didn't think it was funny, but then honestly, I didn't really either. But sometimes, I feel like I just might want to.... even if could never actually do that to myself.

When people tell me to adopt, or to just keep trying, I want to choke them. Yes, I want to adopt, because I know that out there somewhere, a child wants a momma just as much as I want them, but I also can't accept the fact that despite fertility treatments, I may never be able to have my own babies.

I honestly want to strangle people when they talk about "finally getting pregnant" after having tried for 3 or 4 months, and how I should keep my head up, my time will come. But what they forget is that its been six years--and still no baby.

I have a wish list of all the baby stuff I want when I finally get to have a child and I've written letters to my future babies telling them how much I can't wait for them to get here, and how much their future Daddy and I already love them...

Which sounds completely insane saying out loud...
but there you have it.

I don't expect anybody to feel sorry for me, but I do hope, that if someone out there is going through this (or has been through it) they will know that they're not alone.

Let's show April some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!

 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.



At November 30, 2010 at 12:15 AM , Blogger Salena Lee said...

April, you could have been writing about me. Thank you for sharing this because I need to hear that I'm not alone. My story is different in that I got pregnant at 15yrs old and had 3 babies before I was 20yrs old "without even trying". Was in a very bad relationship the entire time. Fast forward many years later... I found my husband. I was a single mother for so many years. We decided to wait to have kids till my youngest who was 7yrs old when we married to be out or almost out of elementary school. So we waited 3 yrs before we started trying. 1-1/2 yrs went by... sought help from my ob/gyn... then goes the years of fertility tests, treatments, surgeries, drugs, injections and so on... Finally with the first IUI we got pregnant. We were so excited! We told everyone! Soon after, I started to feel cramps and was scared. Christmas eve 2003 while at a football game I kind of knew that something was not right. At an ultrasound, the doctor told us that he could not see a heartbeat and sent us to do radiology to do the regular ultrasound... they could not find it either but thought they might have. Sent us home with a followup ultrasound scheduled... but I just had a feeling it was bad news that they didn't want to tell us during the holidays. We returned and sure enough just by looking at the poster on the wall... knew what I saw on the ultrasound and what was on the poster, my baby stopped growing. We were told to go directly to my doctor's office cause he wanted to speak to us. He told us our baby (at 11-1/2 weeks gestation, almost 3 months pregnant) had no heartbeat and that we would eventually have a miscarriage. It was later I learned about having a "missed miscarriage" where your baby stops growing but you have no idea until your pregnancy symptoms start to go away. I was crushed. All my hopes and dreams were swirling around me and I could not handle the emotions that came with it.

At November 30, 2010 at 12:24 AM , Blogger Salena Lee said...

We were offered a D&C to end the pregnancy but I just couldn't do it. What if there was a chance that my baby was still alive? I could not willingly allow someone to remove my baby. So I did the waiting thing. To let it pass naturally. No one told me it was like actually giving birth! The pain was so great and I was so scared. Home with no medical attention, it was so hard physically and emotionally to deal with but human instincts took over and it worked itself out. Before this day though, it was hard to go back to work after taking a few days off to face everyone who thought I already had the miscarriage and having to tell them I was still pregnant. They were confused. It was really hard. Fast forward 10 months and after 2 IVF attemps we were pregnant again with my Aleshanee who is now 5 yrs old. But low and behold... a week after we bought our home in 2007, we got pregnant with our Dakota who just turned 3 yrs old last week. Not only that, once again we had another baby, Hayden who just turned 1 yrs old on Oct 25th. Both of these pregnancies were conceived spontaneously. I am aware that me sharing this with you may hurt. No matter what other momma's shared with me, good intentions or not, if it wasn't happening to me... it hurt! I'm sharing this with you because there is hope. There is hope of change and God will bless you in his time. My story is different... I had what they call secondary infertility. Which is why I get the "oh, at least you already have kids", or "be grateful with what you have". And so on... It hurts. It also hurts that there is nothing to mourn, no body, no grave. It is something that us momma's grieve in slience. Our hopes and dreams for our child is gone and it's hard to get past that. Some days I'm ok, other's I'm a mess. Yes, me with 6 kids and 3 grandkids... I miss my angel baby. When I bring it up, cause it helps me... others seem to approach me as if they are saying silently "oh, you're still stuck on that thing"? Ugghhh... I hear you April. Thank you for sharing your heart. Do what helps you and pray and talk about it till God removes your pain. {{{hugs}}} =o)

At November 30, 2010 at 12:47 AM , Blogger LilBuckarooDesigns said...

April, you are not alone! I felt exactly you have and do so many times...through all of my friends, family and even strangers getting pregnant. Just like you my husband and I got pregnant the first time right after buying our first home. It was perfect timing so we decided to "try" and boom-one month later I was pregnant. I don't have to go into the details of how amazingly exciting that time was because I know you know it well. And, unfortunately, just like you, that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage too. And so did 4 more pregnancies throughout the next NINE years! I have felt and lived every emotion that you wrote. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I understand and my heart bleeds for you. No one can possibly understand how completely isolating and devastating infertility is. And, yes, the "just adopt" comments could have quite possibly sent me to jail had I not controlled the rage I would feel inside as the people close to me would try to "console" me with those words. SO not cool to say to anyone suffering through infertility.
Here is what I want you to know though April. For 9 years my husband and I suffered, agonized, cried, prayed, fought, almost divorced, begged, pleaded-TRIED through years of testing with specialists, drugs, shots in my stomach, failed surrogacy, failed IVF-which meant daily shots which resulted in twins that I too miscarried (along with the other 4 miscarriages)-to finally having a gestational surrogate carry our very own baby who is 100% genetically ours for us. And I can't tell you how many times over those 9 years that I wanted to give up, disappear, move to Europe, accept that maybe I should take the "hint" and realize I'm not meant to have a baby, divorce and run for the hills-all of it-BUT I am so beyond words THANKFUL that I endured! Because if I knew then what I know now about how worth it every bit of heartache I suffered would be, I would have crawled on my hands and knees from California to Florida to do it all over again. HANG IN THERE! I PROMISE YOU if you want-one way or another YOU will make it happen. Half the battle is just not giving up...even in the darkest of moments. I PROMISE you your time will come. IT WILL COME, but you need to keep the faith! I say that because so many times I didn't think I could. And now that I am a mom to a gorgeous 15 month old baby boy I CAN'T imagine that I almost let all the heartache and despair keep me from experiencing THIS. IT is worth it! All of it. I have always said I believe everything happens for a reason and the little baby boy I ended up with is absolutely perfect for our family and for us the whole journey of surrogacy was one of THE most beautiful experiences in life we would have never have been able to experience without my infertility. My heart goes out to you because I know the difficult journey you are on, but I have faith that you will get to find your "reason" one day soon too! Much LOVE to you!!


At November 30, 2010 at 1:24 AM , Blogger Tara said...

I delivered my baby boy still born March of this year. I was 26weeks pregnant. When I went in for my 26wk check there was no heart beat. I was completely devastated and honestly I still am. He was our first baby. It took us while to conceive the first time and we are 6 months down this time around. Over the past two years I have watched close friends "accidentally" get pregnant or get pregnant on their first try. And of course I feigned happiness each time and I mean I was and am happy for them but lets just be honest I have died a little inside each and every time. I even lost a friendship over it. My friend at that time accidentally got pregnant a few months after we lost our baby and had the audacity to call me and freak out. Needless to say that strained our relationship quite a bit and it has yet to heal. I pray each and every night for a baby and I pray that God doesn't make me wait too long. I have even prayed for God to take the desire away. The hardest part is the wanting. I wish I could go back 3 years, back to when I wasn't ready, back to when my maternal clock hadn't started ticking yet. I'm not sure how you have managed to make it as long as you have. I hope I have your strength. I have been feeling some much needed contentment with life as it is over the past few days. Hopefully it will last a while. Thank you for sharing your story. Honestly you could have been telling everyone my very own feelings. Also thank you to all the other ladies who have posted or will post. Your stories give me hope.

At November 30, 2010 at 5:26 AM , Blogger kristy.lynn said...

you are most certainly not alone.

every single thing you are experiencing is something i have gone through. from the, "why does she get to be a mom, i'd be soo much better at it" to making deals with God. it's like a compulsion to feel that way. it's hard to be focused on anything other than your misery.

i went through that for 2 1/2 years. i was told i had pcos. i was told to lose weight. i was told to keep trying. i was told it'll happen. all while watching this one & that one get pregnant around me. i was miserable. finally i was given clomid. i got a little hopeful. it was another 5 months. i had a breakdown on our anniversary, in front of my in-laws. it was pitiful. it was my last month of clomid, and then i'd have to wait 6 months to try again. i pretty much gave up hope. i was mad. furious. my husband was tired of 'going through the motions'. it was taking it's toll on our marriage. so i gave up. i gave myself a mental break. and out of the blue, i got pregnant. my last month of clomid brought my levels up & i got pregnant. he's now 6.

we decided to wait until our youngest went into school to start trying again. so when he was 4, we started trying again. at first, i didn't focus on it, we were having some problems with our son in school, and so i was preoccupied. but then a year passed with no pregnancy. i was beside myself. i watched as everyone around me had beautiful little babies, and thought why, why me? why is this so hard? i pleaded with my ob (which was a new one) to start me on clomid. he refused... told me to keep trying. finally after another 6 months he put me on it. after 3 months of treatment i found out i was pregnant. in some ways the second time was better because i had a first to focus on. in some ways it was worse because i was working at a pediatricians office, and the 'i'm a better mother' thing came out more often, because there were SO many babies. it was tough. in the end, it was better that i got pregnant when i did because i couldn't have handled a new baby with all the trouble my 6 year old was going through at school.

God has his own timing. His own plans. none of this of course makes anything easier for us when we want so badly for that little bundle. and likely none of this will make things better for you.

but you are not alone. and you are not the only one who feels this way. i hope that there is a end in sight for you, with a happy healthy pregnancy. i know how hopeless it can feel. i know how you feel tortured by it at every turn. and you are so brave for sharing your secret.

At November 30, 2010 at 5:46 AM , Blogger Melissa said...

Oh April, I can completely understand what you are going through. 8 years ago we started trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant 2 months later, and miscarried. It was hard, but we thought well, this happens and we'll try again. 5 months later the same thing happened. We went to the doc, they gave me meds, and told us to try again. After 2 years of that, I needed a break. Then 3 years ago we went to a fertility doc, it took a while to convince my hubby, he was sure we could do it on our own. The doc said I had a severe lack of progesterone, which is very needed to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Let me tell you, unless you have been through all the medical testing done to discover why you are infertile, NO ONE can understand just how painful some of these tests are, and how dissapointing they can be. Each time the doc said, well this is normal, I cringed. I wanted them to find something that was wrong so they could fix it. Finally, they did. After taking meds, giving myself shots, and IUI, we finally conceived. We had a daughter who will turn 3 in March. We are hoping to try again next spring, but I'm not sure if we will have the money or not. That is the other aspect people don't understand. It is expensive to do all this, and insurance doesn't cover it. The waiting is so hard.
I won't tell you that it will happen for you, it might not. But, it will be okay, but it takes time. One thing that I was always told, but is almost impossible, was to relax. I know it sounds trite. It sounds impossible, however it really does help. Also, be careful, be very careful about makeing comments to your husband about hurrying up and getting you pregnant. I found out the hard way, guys don't think like we do. Comments like that make them think that you think they are less of a man, that this is all their fault. They are much more sensitive to this whole topic than we realize. I learned the hard way that my obsession with having a baby was really hurting my marriage. I wasn't spending the time I needed to with my hubby, finding out if he was okay with everything, and just loving him. Please, don't make the same mistake I did, it will save you a lot of heart ache down the road. It will help keep you feeling sane, and in control to focus all the love you can on your hubby, and being the best wife you can. It is so hard to be happy when you see all your friends having babies and being so happy, it feels like your happiness will only be possible if you have a baby too. It really helps to try to find happiness in other places, no it is not going to take the ache to have a baby away, but it does help get you through.
On adoption, I believe it is more than okay to adopt, and then try to have a child of your own again. If it doesn't work, adopt again. People who have been through the roller coaster of fertility treatments, we know that it doesn't matter where that baby came from, you can love it no matter what. If fertility treatments don't work for us this time, we probably will try to adopt. I can love a child of my heart as much as I can love a child of my womb. I hope and pray that you will get the little miracle you are hoping for.

At November 30, 2010 at 5:57 AM , Blogger Melanie said...

This secret has me in tears. I, too, can understand alot of the things she is feeling. After 3 years of marriage and hard work getting ourselves and our finances ready for a baby, my husband and I began trying to get pregnant. Although I never suffered a miscarriage, we endured countless unsuccessful fertility procedures, including 3 failed in vitros. We got certified to adopt, and had 3 potential adoptions fall through. I felt absolutely broken! I felt guilty that I wasn't able to give my husband children, guilty that we had spent tens of thousands of dollars on meds/procedures that didn't result in children, guilty that I didn't want to hear everyone around me talk unceasingly about their kids. I hated going to baby showers, hated being asked to watch my friends' kids, hated not being able to decorate the empty room in our house for a baby. Oh, and I remember all too well the constant onslaught of baby announcements. I felt like my heart was being ripped out each time someone would call to tell me they were expecting. And they knew it too, so I would feel bad and try to comfort them and be so excited for them. Then I would go have those long cries in the shower that you described and feel so bad that I couldn't just be happy for my friends. I knew it wasn't really true, but sometimes it felt like there was a baby ready to come to earth, and God was looking at me and (insert name of anyone I knew), and would pick them over me. I would wonder why He didn't feel like I was good enough to be a mom. I even had one "friend" in particular who, along with her husband, had trashed their marriage, made lots of decisions that went against what they claimed to believe, made horrible (often illegal) decisions with their finances, had some serious personal problems they continued to perpetuate, etc. They were basically a mess. As I'm sure you can guess, they got pregnant. I wondered how horrible of a parent God thought I would be that He would give them a baby and not me. She would tell people, in front of me, how they had tried for 5 years when I knew that wasn't anywhere near the truth and that I had been trying longer than they had. She tried to use the name we had picked out for the daughter we hoped to have for her own baby. Needless to say, she was pretty messed up. I ended the friendship, but I felt so destroyed. Then, after 7 years of trying, we finally found out I was pregnant. We went on to have a total of 3 pregnancies, each resulting in a beautiful child. I promise you, all those years of guilt and pain will be so worth it when it does happen for you. I think the memories of those difficult years will probably always be close to the surface of my mind, but they are now overshadowed by the happiness I feel for having my kids. And those sad memories have brought me joy as I have been able to help others through the pain of their infertility. I can honestly say, now that those tough years are behind me, I can see ways that we were blessed by having to wait (feel free to swear at me through the computer screen right now). I'm sure I would have been a decent/good mom if it would have happened right away, but imagine the difference it makes to be a mom who knows what its like not to have your kids. You parent differently. You have more patience when your kids are acting up. You really get what a blessing it is to have them. I really hope and pray that your wait is near the end and that you will be back here soon to update with some good news. Stay strong and know that you are a good person, who will be a great mom, and you are not alone!

At November 30, 2010 at 6:42 AM , Blogger Erica said...

Wow! April I feel the same way you do! When you said you wanted to strangle people I could not agree more!! If I hear one more time to relax and it will happen I might strangle them too! My husband and I have been trying for 3 years and went thru different medications. We are both ER nurses and we see awful parents and abuse day in and day out and it breaks our hearts. All I ever hear is well you havent even tried IVF or adoption... and then I look at them and say you didnt even have to try medications so give me a break fertile myrtle!!!! I am so sad that you are going thru this but am glad that I found you and know that you nor I am alone. Nothing anything anyone says makes this easier.

At November 30, 2010 at 7:02 AM , Blogger Kellie Pringle said...

This is a topic VERY near and dear to my heart. I have been trying to get pregnant for over 7 years and while I have never seen the two pink lines on a test, I believe I was pregnant once and miscarried very early on. I was seeing a fertility specialist at the time and he wanted me to come in and see what happened - I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work or even really get out of bed - much less go to a doctor who would clinically exam me without any heart and poke and prod and probe instead of letting me mourn a bit. It was then that we decided to pursue adoption and in turn fostering. Even in all of that I honestly never gave up hope of becoming pregnant. It was the same thing for me - every time someone would announce they were pregnant would be like a stab in the heart. I am truly happy for my friends and family, but I also secretly hated they were getting to experience something I never will. It killed a little piece of me every time someone else was pregnant and I still wasn't. If I were being really honest - I would share that I do still have a desire to be pregnant kind of. Even after adopting two of the most amazing boys in the whole world - who by the way are EXACT copies of me and my husband as if we birthed them ourselves! I will tell you the one thing that has changed the whole pregnancy obsession for me was the understanding that there are some people in our circle who would not treat our adopted children the same as any biological children we may have. That fear - that knowledge really - is the one thing that has really allowed me to let go of the overwhelming and all consuming desire to become pregnant. It never goes away, it just doesn't rule my every thought now, it doesn't affect the very way I do things every day from eating the right things to positioning myself the right way during intimate moments to take the right pills. I have FINALLY gotten to a place of acceptance - a journey that has taken a LONG time and a lot of bumps and bruises to get to. I have an amazing family and I know my plans would never have gotten me here. God really does know what He is doing and as much as I hated the journey at the time, I look back and realize it was necessary for me. That doesn't help now, but I want you to know that it will get better and it will change and things will turn around - it may not be the way you think or want them to, but God's plans are SO much better than ours! I am living proof of that!

At November 30, 2010 at 7:10 AM , Blogger JM PhotoArt said...

Wow. I just want to encourage you that God has an absolutely PERFECT plan just for you :) I'm sure you've heard that a million times too, but I've been to Hell and back when I literally thought there was no hope. My struggle was in the form of anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, but I will definitely pray for ya :)

Keep your spirits up though because you have so much to offer the world right now! Thanks for being brave and sharing.

At November 30, 2010 at 8:27 AM , Blogger Goodman Family said...

Wow! I know EXACTLY how you feel! I watched everyone and anyone around me having babies. All of my siblings and my husbands siblings had babies before me. I went through 6 miscarriages and 8 years before we had our first little girl. I KNOW very personally the pain and heartache you are going through. My world could not and did not go on while I was in the middle of our trial. My soul ached for a family! Thankfully, a loving Heavenly Father blessed us with three little girls. (after 12 years we have three very small and very close babies) Every baby is a miracle, but my babies after so many years, tears and heartaches are so special and true miracles. I just hope that day comes soon for you and if not on your own that you will be blessed with a family. Hugs and hang in there!

At November 30, 2010 at 8:33 AM , Blogger emilyc @ Sew Super Sweet said...

Thank you for sharing, I have experienced two unsuccessful preganancies this year, even after I have given birth to one beautiful little boy. I want more than anything to have a healthy baby and each unsuccessful pregnancy is incredibly heartbreaking and sad.

You are not alone in any of the feelings you are experiencing...each time someone asks me if my husband and I want more children my hearts break a little and I want to yell "YES! But I can't make a healthy baby!" I know they have good intentions, but I still get angry, followed by sadness. Thank you for sharing today, it was just what I needed.

At November 30, 2010 at 8:45 AM , Blogger PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

This breaks my heart..
I want to give you a bit of encouragement..
After nearly 14 years of trying, MANY failed inverto attempts, all the fertility drugs known to man and a woman who had given up after doctors could not offer her a single explanation as to why she couldn't conceive.. My sister in law suddenly became pregnant. Sometimes when we stop thinking about things and when we leas3 expect it, that's when stuff happens. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl w/o a problem in the world!
Chin up buttercup.. God has a plan for you!! XOXOXO!

At November 30, 2010 at 9:04 AM , Blogger A.Co said...

This breaks my heart and while I haven't tried to have a baby yet, it makes me think I should start trying because you just never know.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this April. You should check out Maegan - she is going through the same thing as you and blogs about it. I find sometime you can take comfort in knowing otehrs are going through the same thing as you.

A.Co @ A.Co est. 1984

At November 30, 2010 at 10:17 AM , Blogger elise said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am not married and have never yet considered getting pregnant because of that reason. However, I do fear that I will go through the same struggles that you have. I want so badly to be a mom some day.
Much love coming your way!

At November 30, 2010 at 10:57 AM , Blogger Maegan said...

yeah ...went through the same thing. We started trying in 2007 and I'm the only one without kids of all my friends and family. And for a while, when I was at my lowest {last year at this time}, it seemed like everyone was popping up pregnant ...even the ones who weren't ready and eventually chose abortion. I wondered why it was so easy for people who didn't want kids to get pregnant? I wondered how crack whores got knocked up so easily? - I never blamed God because I don't believe in God but I did wonder what was wrong with me ...felt like a complete failure as a woman {until my husband assured me that "women" do far more amazing things than have babies ...animals have babies} It didn't really help though. One day I just broke down, after three years of quietly sobbing, I let it all out, cried loud and hard when I asked my husband how I "accept" not getting pregnant and he responded with " you have to accept the fact that it just may not EVER happen" and I cried and cried. That was what I was so afraid to admit to myself. But once I did, I relaxed ...looked at the reality of children and how difficult and challenging life becomes once you have kids and how some relationships falter as well. Now I'm on the if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't mindset. I have far more to offer the world than a tiny human, and you probably do too. :)

Not that anything anyone can say will make you feel better ...that I do know. But someday you'll find peace with it.

At November 30, 2010 at 11:59 AM , Blogger Nicholissa said...

I felt your pain for about 6 years as well before we were blessed with twins through IVF. I felt so bitter and isolated and unnecessary. Looking back at that time in my life, I now see that the Lord did have a plan for me. I was blessed to spend a few years in a career I love and I met people & did things I never would have been able to do if I'd had it my way & had kids already. It wasn't until I could accept that the Lord truly has my best interests at heart & He would bless me with children when the time was right (a super hard thing to accept when EVERYONE around me was having babies!!), that I was finally able to get pregnant. I don't know if you have the same lessons to learn as I did, but your pain & burden are eased when you put your trust in the Lord.

At November 30, 2010 at 6:19 PM , Blogger Daisy Baby said...

This touch me..i too wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant right away and was so happy..I started bleeding right away and lost the baby at 7 weeks...then the doctor treated me like it was no big deal and to move on. I was devistated...
I was able to become pregnant right away with my beautiful 15 month old daughter and I think that is the only way I was able to move on.
I still think about the baby I fact it will be 2 years on Dec 14th that my baby went to heaven.
Thank you for the strength to shard that!

At December 1, 2010 at 3:40 PM , Blogger Nate and Liz said...

April, a friend e-mailed me the link to this posting and as soon as I started reading, I burst into tears...this is EXACTLY how I feel word for word. I don't think anyone can understand it until they go through it. It has tested my faith immensely. I wish things could be different for us, but I am grateful to no be alone in this. THANK YOU for your words. Liz

At December 1, 2010 at 7:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went ten years without any signs of a baby on the horizon, feeling that desperation to have one and pretty much hating everyone who got pregnant in that time especially those of my friends that got pregnant and decided not to go through with it...but i met a wonderful guy and three years into it we were "surprised" with two blue lines and then almost right after my daughter we got the stork call again with a little boy. You've heard every piece of advice a million times but just relax and keep peace in your heart and it will happen.


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