Secrets That Will Make You Smile, instead of cry {on Secret Week}

SECRET WEEK PRESENTS:
 SARAH'S "make you smile" secrets

I like to watch my LCD Widescreen TV on "Stretch" so all the skinny girls look a little fatter.

I use about a bottle a month of "dry shampoo".

I bite off my tastebuds and they bleed and makes my whole tongue swell...so to try and make it better, I bite off more...etc etc etc

I have a shag rug in my livingroom purely because in a pinch, when people are coming, instead of vacuuming, I can brush my feet all over it and the sand/crumbs/fluff/pethair sink to the bottom of the "abyss".

I cry at Oprah's favorite things episodes like I do at the Notebook.

Blubbering mess. I'm just so dang happy for that audience.

Sometimes, I blame farts on my baby.

I'm sure there's TONS more...but those are the ones off the top of my head :)

-Sarah

Let's show Sarah some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:

Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!

 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com

And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

A Future Momma's Plea: Secrets #5 Revealed {on Secret Week}

I know my "secret" isn't much of a secret,
everyone in my life knows how badly I want a baby,
but I don't think anybody really understands or realizes just how hard it's been for me to cope with each and every new pregnancy happening around me...

I don't think anybody realizes just how incredibly insane I have become.

I love reading your blog,
and I love reading the blogs of other momma's out there.
It's almost like I live vicariously through other Momma bloggers--it's easier to be excited for strangers. I am genuinely happy for every single one of my friends that gets pregnant, but at the same time, I also can't stand it.

It all started when I found out I was pregnant in May 2007.
It would be our first {and only} pregnancy
and I was beside myself with pure happiness.

My hubby and I had just bought our house,
our lives were in order,
the timing was right,
we were totally ready for this baby...

I spent every night putting together a baby registry and day dreaming of names... this baby in my tummy was everything to me.

Almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant,
I started having cramping, and bleeding,
and found out my hormones weren't going up like they should...

I was likely going to loose my baby.
Despite all of this, I decided to take the long trip to visit my grandpa.
He was getting sicker with ALS), and each day could be his last.

While visiting my Grandpa in Oklahoma,
I ended up going through a full miscarriage.

I felt like it was my own fault, for going on that trip.
Maybe, if I would have stayed home, where I belonged, I might have been able to keep my baby.

For the next few weeks I moped around, and started planning when we would go ahead and try conceiving again...

Then, I got a phone call from my sister in law,
to tell me she was pregnant... and had gotten pregnant on her honeymoon.

Then, three of my best friends all announced they were also pregnant...
My soul was crushed.

I feigned happiness for them,
and then spent an hour on the floor in the shower crying and asking God, what I did to deserve this.

I promised I would never do anything to anyone ever again, I would be a good mom, and a good wife if he would only let me join my friends and have a baby. But no baby came.

And so the pattern continues,
every time someone new gets pregnant.
And then I try to find something about everyone that deems them less suitable then myself, to be a mother.

Which is so difficult when they are genuinely good women who will make awesome Mommas...

Three and a half years later, I'm still going through the same thing.
I can't move on.

When I found out my last single brother in law was getting married, I told my husband that he "better hurry up and get me pregnant, before I end up with another pregnant sister in law, at which point, I just may just shoot myself!"

He didn't think it was funny, but then honestly, I didn't really either. But sometimes, I feel like I just might want to.... even if could never actually do that to myself.

When people tell me to adopt, or to just keep trying, I want to choke them. Yes, I want to adopt, because I know that out there somewhere, a child wants a momma just as much as I want them, but I also can't accept the fact that despite fertility treatments, I may never be able to have my own babies.

I honestly want to strangle people when they talk about "finally getting pregnant" after having tried for 3 or 4 months, and how I should keep my head up, my time will come. But what they forget is that its been six years--and still no baby.

I have a wish list of all the baby stuff I want when I finally get to have a child and I've written letters to my future babies telling them how much I can't wait for them to get here, and how much their future Daddy and I already love them...

Which sounds completely insane saying out loud...
but there you have it.

I don't expect anybody to feel sorry for me, but I do hope, that if someone out there is going through this (or has been through it) they will know that they're not alone.

Let's show April some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!



 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

A Daughter's Confession: Secret #4 {on Secret Week}

Elle is oh-so-brave for sharing her deepest, darkest thoughts with us...

Here is Elle's secret.

It makes me feel like an evil person:


I sort of look forward to life without my mom.
Yes, that's right: like when she is dead.
Oh, that is so horrible.

I do love my mom, and I don't wish her dead.

It's just that she is a constant source of stress in my life.
My relationship with my husband has suffered and continues to suffer an enormous strain because of her.

I have to tell my kids that what Grandma said or did was inappropriate after we spend time with her. I look forward to the weight being off my shoulders.

I realize that I will probably have to seek counseling to come to terms with those emotions,
 if I really do feel relief from her death.
Ugh.

Let's show Elle some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar---->
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!



 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

A Tired Momma's Secret Revealed {on Secret Week}

SECRET WEEK: secret #3
{need to get caught up, click here}

This Momma's secret is intense--and it touched me to the very core. Here it is:

Dear LMM readers,

My secret is horrible.
And I want you to know that I've told no one else except my husband,
not even my Mum because I'm affraid of how she will look at me after.

Uh, it's hard to write.
Basically my Husband has been away for 9 months training to be a police officer. He's just finished and started work near home today so I'm hoping things get better. While he was away I started out okay...

keeping the house clean,

keeping up with the washing,

going to work and taking kids to childcare

and basically keeping my kids entertained and happy.

But then, the longer he was away, the worse I got.
Several things slipped, the washing was just an enormous mountain. Going to the supermarket seemed like an insurmountatble task. I forgot to put out the bins for collection--a few weeks in a row....

Worse still, my relationship with my eldest son became unbearable.
He's only 3 and as 3 yr olds do, he started pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with while daddy was gone. 


He stopped listening to me.
He ignored anything I asked him to do.
He yelled, he screamed.
I would have to ask him 10 times to get him to pick up his toys.
He drew on the brand new hardwood floor I had laid for his dad's birthday.


My nerves were shot.
I had lost control of my son.


And there was no one to pick up the slack.
Every morning I would get up and it would start all over again.


At the same time I was losing control of myself.
I became soooo quick to anger.
Not just anger, real rage.

And while I was almost screaming at my 3 yr old, (oh that's painful to write)
I was thinking "Stop!! He's just a child, he doesn't know!"
Eventually for the last month I could barely look at him with any real affection. How disgusting is that?!


It's getting better now that my husbands home home.
But what I worry about now is have I mentally/emotionally scared him?!
Have I somehow stunted him by the way I've treated him?

Oh god what sort of mother could do that to their child? Me. I'm that sort of Mother (oh my gosh, thats like being stabbed)


I never ever imagined being a Mother could push me to become such a monster. And I have no real exuse. I only hope my poor little boy can forgive me.


He still likes to hold my hand and cuddle on the couch with me.
He still tells me that I'm his best friend (and it makes me feel even more guilty). And he still runs to me when I pick him up from day care yelling 'Mummy! I missed you!'. 

He's such a beautiful soul and I am so blessed that he is mine.


So there it is in black and white. I don't know what you will think when you read this. I'm so ashamed. I don't think that when you asked for secrets you were really after something like this! So I'm sorry to dump this in your inbox and please don't feel that you need to reply.


It does feel better having someone else know...
I guess...

-Kate

Let's show Kate some comment love, shall we

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar---->
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!



 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

SECRET SERIES WEEK {your secrets revealed}

Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I felt as your secrets began pouring into my inbox.

I was touched.

Moved.

Emotional.

Sympathetic.

Inspired.

But most of all, I was in AWE.

In awe at the courage each of you showed, to come forward, to open up, to remind the rest of us that WE ARE NOT ALONE!

And so begins our SECRET SERIES.

And now I present to you our very first

SECRETS REVEALED:
{please show your support in the comments section}

Jolene's Secret:
I feel incredible guilt over my dad's death in July.
He had knee surgery the day before and I picked him up from the hospital and took him home.
I thought of visiting the next day,
but then I decided it was too much of a PITA (they lived 35 minutes from me)
and I decided to skip a day.
He died of a heart attack the day I decided not to visit.
My mom was totally useless and stood there calling me instead of calling 911.
He was gone by the time the paramedics arrived.
I know CPR and think I may have been able to save my dad's life.
I will never get over this.
I carry this guilt daily,
and think it is my fault that he is gone.
- Jolene


Cailey's Secret:
In high school, I was a cutter.
I would cut myself.
Because I am so ashamed to let people see my scarred arms,
I haven't been able to wear short sleeves in six years.
Not even during the summer.
I wonder on a regular basis how this will affect my future.
What will the people I care about think when they find out?
Will anyone ever be able to fall in love with me?
How would they ever introduce me to their family without feeling ashamed?
Will I be able to walk down the aisle on my wedding day and feel beautiful...?
What will my future children think of their Momma?
Will I always be ashamed?
-Cailey

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar---->
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {thats it}!


 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

I want to know your secret

I Want to Know YOUR Secret

{see end of post for details}

{and I reveal another "mini" secret}

When I started this blog, it was for one reason more than any other.

To find out if I was the only one...

The only one with feelings that this whole parenting business was a bit more than I had signed up for.

The only one so overwhelmed with love for my new little baby, that it drove me to tears many nights.

The only one who questioned every parenting decision I made since the day he was born.

The only one who gagged at every poopy diaper.

The only one who worried that I was never doing enough.

And although the hubby and I had just added to our family, I felt alone.

Not depressed, just alone.

Like I was the only one who thought this was hard.

The only one who got tired.

The only one who didn't think motherhood was all rainbows and butterflies.

And thus, LMM {life lessons of a momma-in-training} was born.

I started writing.

Writing about life as a new momma--the ups, the downs, the tantrums, the cuddle sessions, the first giggles, the new baby smell, the late night feedings, the doctor's visits and everything in between.

And the more I wrote, the more Momma's I found who were just like me.

Who felt the same as I did.

Who loved their little kiddos more than life itself.

Who would jump in front of a moving vehicle for their babes.

But who also knew Momma-Hood was nothing to be sugarcoated.

You sent me emails, you left comments, you reached out to me...

You made sure I knew I wasn't alone.

And so, thanks to your support, I got a bit braver,

And I took a risk.

I wrote a post about more than mommy hood.

I wrote a post about ME.

A post sharing my deepest, darkest Secret.

And then I crossed my fingers.

Had I scared you? Would you be freaked out? Would you go running in search of a fluffier blog?

But I never should have underestimated you, my dear readers.

Because you didn't run. Instead, you told me I wasn't alone.

You reminded me that we all have secrets.

We all have a past, a condition, an ailment--something we don't want others to use to define us.

And we ALL find comfort when we learn that we're not alone.

And it's that feeling of comfort that has inspired a new "series" I would love to start on LMM.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Introducing the I HAVE A SECRET SERIES

A series of posts where we learn about your secrets,

where we tell you that you're not alone,

where we comfort you and perhaps even provide you with the courage to overcome your secret,

OR the strength to endure your secret,

OR we just become educated about your secret.

Anonymous or with a name attached, you decide how you want your secret to be posted.

Trust me, there are others out there who will be touched, who will be strenghtened by your courage in coming forward.

If you feel so inspired, email me your SECRET, your STRUGGLES at:

ashley@littlemissmomma.com

I want to know your story.

And, if you haven't read it yet, here's my secret.

And for those of you who are thinking,

"pshh, her secrets not that big of a deal. I mean look at all that hair she has"

Well here's the truth:

I have hair extensions to help hide my secret.

I Have a Secret

I have a secret.

It is personal.

I have had this secret since I was 9 years old.

My secret embarrasses me, but I am not ashamed.

My secret is a part of who I am, but it does not define me.

I am not in control of my secret.

I can count the number of people who know my secret on one hand.

And today, I have decided to share my secret with you.

When I was in fourth grade I was diagnosed with a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) called Trichotillomania (TTM). Don't be scared--I'm not crazy (not completely crazy anyway). Trich is defined as "hair loss from a patient's repetitive self-pulling of hair".

That's right. I pull out my own hair.

Why would you do this to yourself, you're wondering.

And I wish I could give you an answer. All I can tell you is that I can't stop.

Doctors and psychologists have little conclusive information about trich, except that it is more prevalent than people realize. In fact, 2.5 million people in the U.S. have likely had trich at some point in their life. And for some reason this little known statistic brings me comfort.

As someone who has battled this disorder for nearly 20 years, I am an expert when it comes to finding others like me. I see you in malls and in grocery stores. I see you when you are driving or waiting in line. I see you carefully select a strand and pull--and then I know your secret. You pull again, because you think no one will notice--and no one does notice, except for me--because it's my secret too.

Some of you, like me, have seen a doctor and know that what you're doing has a name. Other's of you are too ashamed, embarrassed, confused about this behavior--I've been there too.

I first learned I had trich when I was in Mrs. S's fourth grade class. We were learning long division and I was confused--not just a little confused, confused like "I can never possibly understand this, I will not pass this class, and therefore will not move on to junior high and high school, therefore will not get into college, therefore will not get a job, and therefore will surely disappoint my parents" type of confused.

You see, I have always been a bit of a stress-case (even at the young age of nine). Any and every failure felt like the end of the world. And on that day in fourth grade, I felt like I was failing. I went home after my math lesson, went into my bathroom, locked the door, looked at myself in the mirror, and began to pull. And pull. And pull.

About 20 minutes, two very large bald spots, and a pile of hair later I realized what I had just done. Embarrassed and confused I picked up the hair and flushed it down the toilet. I couldn't let me mom see the evidence--I feared she would be so disappointed.

Then I went to my room, crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head to cover the baldness, and waited for my mom to get home from work.

I'll never forget the shock on her face when she saw the damage I had done. And I'll never forget the tears that filled her eyes when I told her I had done this to myself.

But then, being the phenomenal momma that she is, she realized she needed to show me a different reaction, a reaction I wasn't expecting. She didn't cry, she didn't yell, she didn't ask me a million questions, and she never said she was disappointed--she just hugged me. We hugged for about three hours that night, without saying a word.

The days and weeks that followed were filled with internet searches, doctors appointments, and visits to a slew of psychologists. My mom was determined to learn everything there was to know about trich--and boy did she ever.

Through her research, my mom learned all the medical, genetic, historic, symptomatic, treatment and therapy details about trich. She learned about my tendencies and my triggers. She learned about my signs and my symptoms . But most importantly she learned that this was a disorder she could not "fix" for me. There was and is no cure, no sure-fire way to combat the urge to pull. All she could do was support me, encourage me to be strong, and keep my secret.

Nearly 20 years later, my mom still supports me, encourages me and has kept my secret.

But she doesn't need to keep it to herself any longer.

Why now, you ask?
Why am I divulging this very intimate detail about my life now?

Well, I'll tell you why. Since fourth grade I have never stopped pulling my hair. In fact, as my life gains more responsibility and obligation and thus "stress" (i.e. having a baby), I have found that I pull even more now than ever. I pull while I feed the baby. I pull when I drive. I pull when I watch TV. I pull when I can't sleep.

And the fact that I have kept this disorder a secret has enabled me to give it a place in my life. Because if no one knows about it, then where's the harm in doing it.

Well, now YOU know.

So now I will have to work on stopping--or else I run the risk of disappointing you--and you all know how I feel about disappointing people I care about.

When I started this whole blogging thing I did it for one main reason--to hold myself accountable. In other words, if I am going to post it then I am sure as hec gonna do it (i.e. 5k, diet, be a better momma, etc).

So today I post my secret--as a challenge to myself. 

A challenge to stop.

A challenge to change.

A challenge to be better.

A challenge to be honest with myself.

A challenge to keep this a secret no longer.