S.O.S.

If you have been reading Little Miss Momma for a while
then you may remember the Secret Week I hosted back in November.
An entire week dedicated to revealing your deepest darkest secrets.
It was an emotional week to say the least.
At the end of that 7 days
my inbox continued to be flooded with secrets.
Confessions you had never told anyone before.
I was overwhemled.
And inspired.
I started another blog,
Sisterhood of Secrets.
And while I haven't been as good about updating it as I should,
I try to reveal secrets as often as I can.

Tonight three new ones went up,
and these sisters need our support.
Head over to S.O.S.
If you feel so inspired,
share a comment
and offer your support.

My Secret EXPOSED

I posted my secret nearly a year ago.
I made myself vulnerable.
I put it all out there,
in hopes that the exposure would give me
some control,
some resolve to stop.

And it did.
For about two months.
But then I got comfortable,
and I started to pull again.
A lot.

And for the past few months
I haven't been brave enough to talk about it again,
to appear weak
or fragile
or even worse...
like a failure.

You see, for years
I have always been smart about my pulling;
carefully selecting hairs that no one would miss,
that wouldn't alter my hair style,
that wouldn't result in a bald spot.
And sure, my hair was thinner
but my extensions could hide that for me.
It was my little secret.

But this time has been different.
This time my pulling is obvious.
This time I can't hide the damage I have done.
This time, people are noticing.
And this time I am mortified.

Those closest to me,
have very cautiously,
and very sensitively,
and very nervously mentioned
and ever so slightly alluded to the fact
that they can tell I have been pulling more than usual.
I notice them trying to disguise their glances at my thinning hair.
But I catch them looking,
and then I see the worry on their faces,
and it breaks my heart.

I think for the most part I have been in denial,
focusing my attention on my busy toddler and his sleep condition,
or my husband and his recovery,
all the while telling myself,
Oh, it's ok, I can stop tomorrow--I have control.

But I never stop tomorrow.
And I don't have control.
And it's time I admit that.

So as much as this kills me,
and trust me, it does,
I feel the need to take drastic measures,
in my second attempt at resolve.

My first post revealed my secret,
but now it's time to expose it.
No more hiding behind a mask of what appears to be thick flowing hair...

Because this is what I let you see:

But, upon closer inspection this is my reality:

I don't even have the nerve to make the pic larger.

And it makes me sick to my stomach.
Makes me feel weak.
Make me feel like a disappointment
to those who believe in me.
Makes a girl who needs to be in control
feel like she's losing it.
And that scares me.

I hope I didn't freak you out too much.
Can we still be friends?

Have you heard about the Sisterhood?

It's official.

The Sisterhood has launched.

Your secrets revealed.

New secrets every week.

Join the Sisterhood today.

{all of Secret Week has been re-posted to the new Sisterhood of Secrets blog.  So if you missed any of the secrets, no worries, head over now and show your support}

We ALL have secrets.

And I am looking for yours.

Email me at: ashley@littlemissmomma.com

Tell your friends,

because they have secrets too.

Some Exciting News About Your Secrets

As you know, I was overwhelmed with the number of "confessions" I received in my inbox during Secret Week.  Your honesty and courage touched me to the very core.

There were dozens of secrets that brought tears to my eyes,

made me smile,

inspired me,

gave me the chills,

and reminded me that I am not alone.

And they were NOT published.

There simply wasn't enough time on Secret Week to publish them all.

But, these stories NEED to be told.

Which is why I am crazy excited to announce that on

January 1st, 2011

I will launch our new blog,

where woman can share their secrets in a safe environment,

where we can comfort and support one another.

Introducing...

Sisterhood of Secrets

Which means, I WANT TO KNOW YOUR SECRETS--again!

Please email your secrets to:

Ashley@LittleMissMomma.com

And stay tuned for more news and updates about our new blog.

This is YOUR forum!

This is OUR Sisterhood!

Secret Series Finale: Brave Women Reveal Tough Secrets {link up YOUR secrets}

Secret Series Conclusion

{link up your secrets}

A Step Momma's Secret:

I'm ashamed of my secret but I know that others may share the same one.

I'm not sure that I like my step-children,

and I'm not sure that I like my husband sometimes due to his children.

I try really hard to like them-I really do.

I try to plan birthday parties, or help with homework, or even something like making dinner or helping clean their rooms.

I seek help through counseling and on-line step-mom groups.

Its not working. I feel like a complete failure.

-Anne

A Self Concious Secret:

I have been married for almost 5 months.

I have put on some weight since we got engaged in April,

and I am super self conscious about it.

My husband tells me that he can't tell and that I am beautiful.

I just can't agree with him.

I am getting where I don't want him to touch me or see me because I feel so uncomfortable with myself.

I hate that I feel like he is just lying to me.

I just feel helpless and like I'm not good enough for him anymore.

-Julie

A Defeated Wife's Secret

It's late.

I should be in bed.

But I CAN"T SLEEP.

Because all I can think about is the fact that the man sleeping next to me-

MY HUSBAND-

has images of other women in his head.

YES. MY husband has a problem with PORNOGRAPHY.

This sad fact came to my attention about a month ago.

Due to job schedules, my husband and I were apart for a month at the beginning of the summer and a month at the end. Apparantly my husband's ample free time led him to explore on the computer.

WHAT STARTED AS INNOCENT- browsing on the internet for something work or school or hobby related- turned worse as sidebar images of women in bikinis popped up.

Now being from southern California, this was not an umcommon sight for him. But something struck his fancy and he persued it.

Eventually he found himself SEARCHING FOR PORNOGRAPHY.

He knew it was wrong,

that it was degrading his marriage,

that it would injure his relationship with God.

But he still did it.

All the while I had NO IDEA.

When we were together during the summer, the problem "WENT AWAY."

But when I left, he turned to images of OTHER WOMEN to keep him company.

He CONFESSED to me about a month ago.

I was shocked,

hurt,

angry,

scared,

jealous,

you name it.

But he was seeking help and truly seemed like he wanted to START OVER and sought sincere forgiveness. I was angry, but how could I not forgive the MAN I LOVE for falling into Satan's trap? So life moved on.

I thought things were going better.

He even installed computer software to protect from pornography. The password was even "I LOVE MY WIFE".

I thought the days of pornography were in the PAST...

UNTIL TODAY.

When I found out that my husband was AGAIN looking at pornography.

Now I am not just hurt. I am CRUSHED, I am not just angry, I am FURIOUS and RESENTFUL.

Why him?

Why me?

Am I not a good enough wife?

Do I not please him?

Is it that apparant I've missed the gym the past... 5 months?

He assures me that is not the case at all.

But I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

I do not understand, how he could let the power of Satan influence him to the point that he would push the boundaries of damaging or destroying our marriage. Sure, he seems repentant now and says, "I"LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN," but I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

Is it the end?

Will I ever be able to feel confortable in his arms.

Will I ever be able to know that I am the ONLY WOMAN he is thinking about? Or picturing?

And who can I confide in? NO ONE.

Because they will JUDGE my husband.

And goodness knows I am doing enough of that right now.

And I do not want that for him.

HE is having a hard time as it is, without friends and family chastising or ridiculing him.

And also because I LOVE HIM...with all my heart.

Even if he does have a problem... Heaven help me...
-Bella

  _______________________________________________________________________________

It's me again, Ashley

Well what can I say,

Secret Week has been inspiring,

but it has also been heart wrenching and emotional.

Every night I went to bed with silent prayers in my heart for the brave souls who had confided their deepest darkest secrets with me.  It was a lot to take in.

There were so many secrets I was not able to share, simply because the week wasn't long enough.

But their stories touched my heart, and they will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Now it's your turn.

We want to hear your secrets,

to remind us that

WE'RE NOT ALONE!

this is your chance...

{you can link up for the rest of December}

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:

Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

A Wife's Secret Revealed {hilarious, if you ask me}

Have you noticed that Secret Week can be a bit intense at times.

So let's lighten things up for a minute, shall we.

This secret makes me smile {and giggle}.

Here's Jillian's secret:

Soooo, my hubby is a germaphobe.

Like BIG time!

He doesn't let anyone drink out of his straw,

ever since he was little.

We've been married almost 10 years

and he doesn't even let ME drink out of it,

or our kids,

and he won't finish the rest of his drink if we do.

Aaaaaand he's a Coca Cola fiend,

he has it everyday,

a couple times a day.

He often sends me to McD's or wherever to get him one.

Well, I always,

ALWAYS take at least 3 sips out of his Coke on the ride home.

Or if it's in the fridge, I'll take a swig before I shut the fridge door and take it over to him.

AHAHAHA!

I know it's silly,

but he hasn't died yet from my SCARY germs!!

That's what he gets for being a turd, hehe!

-Jillian

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:

Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

 TOMORROW, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

For ALL those of you who have sent me your secrets,

You are oh-so-brave and you have my utmost respect!

I literally received over 50 secrets, and only had the opportunity to post a handful.

I want to thank you for your courage and your strength.

You are such remarkable women and your story deserves to be shared with the world.

I encourage you to post your story in tomorrows link party,

however, I completely understand if many of you will want to remain anonymous.

I will post a few more secrets tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Thanks for your support of this series and of one another!

We are NOT alone!

love,

ashley

Life after an accident {secret revealed}

{get caught up on Secret Week here}

Nichelle's Secret:

January 4th of this year, I was in a sledding accident.

I broke 3 bones in my back, 8 ribs, dislocated my hip and punctured/deflated/bruised one of my lungs.

I should've died, I should've been paralyzed, but I wasn't.

I actually was really grateful for this,

The injury was a nice distraction from other things in my life that had hurt me.

Don't get me wrong, I was sad to be bed ridden, and have to miss a semester of college, and wasn't looking forward to the long road of recovery,

but I was grateful to have this to focus on instead of getting over my fiance who cheated on me, stole money from me and left me.

I was grateful to focus on something other than my mental recovery from sexual abuse from my childhood that I had just been confronted about.

Having a positive attitude,

and getting over these physical barriers,

this, THIS I could handle.

But then,

another twist to the story...

I had to go in to have surgery on my hip.

During surgery they accidentally cut my sciatic nerve,

leaving the bottom half of my left leg paralyzed.

Yep, you read that right, after escaping death and dodging becoming paralyzed, a surgical mistake left me with that fate, not the tree I crashed into.

At first it was really hard to handle, but I have so much support it's insane.

I didn't know that this many people knew me, let alone cared.

For the first couple months, I had so many visitors and so much support--it was amazing, and inspiring.

I felt like I could conquer the world, and I slowly started adjusting to my new life.

One day, I woke up and I was sick of using crutches, so I started using a cane. Then, I was sick of that, so I wobbled without it. Then, I got my brace, which makes it so you can hardly tell. I can't wear it all the time, but most people can't tell that anything is wrong with me. I got off my butt, I worked hard, and I started conquering my obstacle!

My secret is,

now that the initial shock is over,

and I have less support,

I am broken down.

Even though, I'm a paralyzed person who can walk,

I still feel inadequate.

Everyone else's life has moved on,

and mine is still stuck in this physically,

emotionally,

spiritually

painful time in my life.

I miss riding my bike.

I miss running up the stairs.

I miss wiggling my toes.

No one thinks this is hard anymore

because of how much I can do now.

But the truth is, it's harder now than it was during all my surgeries.

It's harder now then when I was in severe pain.

It's harder now, because I'm feel all alone.

It's harder now, because people say how proud they are me,

and I only see how much farther I have to go.

I'm glad I've been able to have a positive attitude.

I'm glad my circumstance has helped some other people.

I'm glad I can walk.

I'm glad those who this effected, especially my close friends and family, aren't as scared anymore and can see my life is improving and almost normal again.

I'm glad I'm alive.

But sometimes I just want someone to hold me while I cry and say, "This really sucks, doesn't it?"

My secret is, I'm not as strong as everyone perceives me to be.

-Nichelle

Let's show Nichelle some love

{in the comments section}, shall we!

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:

Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

 TOMORROW, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

For ALL those of you who have sent me your secrets,

You are oh-so-brave and you have my utmost respect!

I literally received over 50 secrets, and only had the opportunity to post a handful.

I want to thank you for your courage and your strength.

You are such remarkable women and your story deserves to be shared with the world.

I encourage you to post your story in tomorrows link party,

however, I completely understand if many of you will want to remain anonymous.

I will post a few more secrets tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Thanks for your support of this series and of one another!

We are NOT alone!

love,

ashley

Two Survivors Secrets Revealed {on Secret Week}

{click here if you need to get the scoop on the Secret Series}

Today's SECRET post is longer than usual,

but that's because I think its an important topic.

Something that in some way we have ALL been impacted by...

CANCER.

We sure HATE cancer, don't we?!

Below you will read the revealed secrets of two special cancer survivors.

Their stories are unique--a perspective that we {the healthy ones} take for granted.

All too often I assume that a cancer survivor's life is all butterflies and rainbows because they survived, because they beat the beast, because they were given a second chance, because only scars remain where once there was sickness...

But I forget...

I forget that those scars represent pain.

They represent struggle.

They represent heartache and fear.

And those scars will NEVER go away.

I want to thank today's Secret gal's for pointing out that just because the cancer is gone, doesn't mean these survivors have completely healed...

Here are their stories:

Meg's Secret:

I am a cancer survivor.

I fought hard.

I lost my hair,

I lost my eyebrows,

I lost a lot of friends.

I gained weight and resentment.

I resent the people my age who got to live their 20's

like it's supposed to be.

I resent that I had to fight for my life while my friends went to college, partied and flourished.

I resent that people thank my husband for staying with me during such a terrible time.

I resent all the people who told me that "God doesn't give us more then we can handle" because I feel like this one time He did.

I thought the feeling of resentment would go away.

But 3 1/2 years later...it hasn't.

In fact, it's grown into guilt, sadness and anger.

I feel guilty that my husband and I will be forever financially in debt to hospitals, family and friends for all the help we were given during my cancer (I didn't have insurance when it all started).

I feel guilty that my husband had to change job to take care of me.

I feel guilty he didn't get to marry the woman he proposed to but rather the woman who emerged after cancer.

Because she is NOT me.

She is mad.

She is cynical.

She is angry.

She is SO SAD.

She wants to be the pre-cancer version of herself.

And here is the weirdest part. I feel guilty that I survived. That I have two beautiful healthy baby girls. I feel guilty that I lived and someone else had to die.

I get angry some days. I have these scars. People still look, wonder and sometimes ask. I tell them cancer. They feel sorry for me. Then I get even more angry.

Yet, in it all, I know I am so lucky. I am SO blessed. I put on my happy face everyday. I love my children. I remember that if I wouldn't have made it my GIRLS wouldn't be here.

But, it doesn't take away the resentment, the anger or the sadness...

So I guess, as my momma always said, "fake it til ya make it".
-meg

___________________________________________________________________

Jessica's Secret:

I have AML (Acute myeloid Leukemia).

I’ve had five chemo treatments and have lost my hair twice.

It usually affects people over 60,

but I got “lucky” and was diagnosed when I was 30!

My secret is Annoyance…

I want so badly to move on,

for people who know me to ask how I am,

because they actually want to know how I am doing,

and not just because of the cancer.

I want random strangers to stop murmuring with their friends loud enough for me to hear about whether or not I'm a lesbian because of my super short hair.

(yes this has happened 5 times!).

My secret is fear…

I’m so scared that this horrible disease is going to come back.

That I’m never going to be able to go a day without taking a crap load of pills.

Even though I’ve been assured by many doctors that it’s not genetic,

I worry about my kids,

more than anything,

I don’t want them to ever have to go through this!

I fear for my husband’s stress level and mental state…

All of this is so hard for him.

He’s been nothing short of Hercules,

But I worry that eventually the stress will take its toll on him.

My secret is Love…

Love for God, whom without I wouldn’t have survived.

Love for my kids,

who even on stressed out crazy induced days,

never fail to make me smile.

Love of a husband,

for his strength, devotion and goodness.

He is my Best Friend!

And for my family and loyal friends,

who showed love and support when we needed it the most.

Thank you for letting me share my secrets with you!

-Jessica

Let's show these SURVIVORS some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:

Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to ashley@littlemissmomma.com

And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.