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My Deepest Fears

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Little Miss Momma: My Deepest Fears

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Deepest Fears

When life is going really peachy for me I tend to do two things.
1. worry
2. feel guilty

I think to myself,
Wow, this is pretty great. Do I deserve this? Did I earn this? Is this a blessing to give me strength for a hardship to come?  How long can this goodness last?

This admission doesn't make me proud.
It's been a flaw of mine for as far back as I can remember.

Take for example, the love I have for my husband--who I am certain is my soul mate, and yes I believe in that sort of cheesy thing. 

With that love comes fear.

The fear that this is too good to be true, that surely this will be taken from me.

And every day I fear a world where he is not by my side.
A world where he isn't stealing my covers or wrestling with Baby W in the living room.  A world without the smell of his cologne and the feeling I get in my stomach when he walks in the front door after work--our eyes meet, and the look he gives me reminds me that we are on the same page.  A world where I don't feel the tickle of his fingers as he grips my hand and gives three loving squeezes.

one: I
two: Love
three: You

I had these same feelings the moment Baby W was born.  I can remember crying in the delivery room when the nurses took my baby away from me to put him under the lights.  He was healthy, they were just taking precautions--but to me, this was just a taste of the pain that would consume me every time I felt helpless as a Momma. 

I remember the crying spells I had after bringing him home from the hospital. I worried. Worried he would get sick. Worried he would stop breathing. Worried someone could drop him. Worried about every little thing. But mostly, I worried that I couldn't live in a world without him.  I had no idea how deep my love for him would be, and it brought me to tears for weeks. I loved him so much it hurt. 

I think about my Dad, our relationship just beginning to reach its true potential. And I selfishly think to myself...I want more time.  I want to make up the time we lost.  Please let me keep him. I can't imagine a world where he is away from me again.

And then there's my Mom. My best friend. My rock. The wind beneath my wings.  She gets a new mole and I can spot it a mile away. Did you get that checked yet, I ask her anxiously. Because I can't imagine a world where I can't call her a dozen times a day, even if just to find out what she ate for lunch.

These are my fears.
My deepest fears.
Losing the ones I love most.

I don't talk about it with them, because really how do you have that conversation.  But I think each of them gets me well enough to know.

Of course, I also embrace and soak in the good times.
Taking mental and literal photographs of every shining moment along the way.
I try to memorize the way those moments smell, the way they taste, the way the smile feels on my cheeks when a moment touches my heart.

Once I capture those memories, I put them in a safe place and hang onto them in case they are needed for strength and comfort in the future.

And this last week, our little family had many of these sweet moments--the kind you try to bottle up and keep forever.  Like Baby W's very first time in a swimming pool, and the matching dimple smiles he shares with his Daddy.

Our simple and special Father's Day dinner.

Our new routine evening strolls down to the lake just before sunset.

Mommy's little helper in the kitchen...who has even been open to trying new foods.

Lazy Sunday afternoons and a toddler who still detests pants.

And blank walls, to make new memories.

Thanks to all of you who have been so patient with me through our move.  Thank you for your sweet emails, facebook messages and kind comments wishing me well.  We are as settled as can be at this point, and I am officially BACK to blogging...and playing catch up of course.  607 unread emails in my box after a week, thats not too daunting or anything, hehe.

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At June 21, 2011 at 4:13 AM , Blogger Jennifer said...

Such a sweet, poignant post!! And you have such a sweet family!

Congrats on the new home!

At June 21, 2011 at 4:18 AM , Blogger james @ agirlcalledjames said...

glad to have you back!
I understand the fear of losing your child. When I was four months pregnant with Zoe my sister in law lost her son, who was a week shy of five months, to SIDS, that's what they are calling at least. Zoe is 2 today and I still worry every day that something is going to take her from me.

At June 21, 2011 at 4:39 AM , Blogger Michelle said...

if that doesn't sound exactly like me! i lay in bed at night and will find myself crying so bad my poor sweet husband wakes up and asks me whats wrong and i tell him that i was just worrying that if he ever died i couldn't do it without him. or worrying about something happening to our little precious babies. oh that bad habit. i guess we just have to trust that the lord will keep us safe and keep us from harms way. hang in there - you are not alone - i think it's just a mother's curse. have a wonderful week!

At June 21, 2011 at 4:58 AM , Anonymous Amanda said...

Yeah for being "settled in".. Baby W looks like he's about my mr 1's age (he'll be 2 in Oct). I love seeing father son bonding. It melts my hearts.
thank you for being real, and lettting others know that it's normal to have these feelings.

At June 21, 2011 at 5:37 AM , Blogger Lindsay said...

SO Glad you are back Ash! We've missed you! :)

At June 21, 2011 at 6:08 AM , Blogger Tara said...

I think that everyone, whether they are married and a mommy or just by themselves, worries about the fragility of life. You are definently not alone, but 90% of what we worry about never happens, so that should give you a little hope :) I've been trying to learn the past few weeks that faith and fear can not co-exist together and I choose faith!

At June 21, 2011 at 6:15 AM , Blogger CaseyWiegand said...

This is absolutely the sweetest post ever. We share a heart in his my friend!!! Love you more than u know!!!

At June 21, 2011 at 6:51 AM , Anonymous Brittany Davis said...

I over think and worry a lot too... it's a hard thing to "change" or "over come" BUT I am excited by the "sneak peak" of your new home and can't wait to see more! love u!

At June 21, 2011 at 7:00 AM , Blogger Chism Classics said...

Oh my goodness! I totally wonder those same things, and my husband and I do those three hand grasps to say I love you! I often cry because I couldn't imagine not having my sweet daughters and my loving husband in my life. Glad to have you back! Hope all is well and I know it won't take long for you to fill your blank walls.

At June 21, 2011 at 7:18 AM , Blogger meg said...

wow. thank you SO much for your post. i am on the same journey, continually. trusting my biggest, earth-shattering fears to the One who knows me and loves me intimately. i just blogged about this last week... knowing so many other women struggle with this encourages and blesses me so much! THANK YOU!! your family is adorable :) blessings to you! (love your blog, by the way... i am a new follower!)

At June 21, 2011 at 7:27 AM , Blogger Amanda M. said...

Oh gosh, you and I are like two peas in a pod. I have shared all of these thoughts, worries, emotions, feelings. I don't talk about it, either. How DOES one bring that up on conversation? I love this post. Your honesty is so refreshing. And I adore pics of the baby because he's just too cute for words!!

At June 21, 2011 at 7:37 AM , Blogger The Pettijohn's said...

I to share in some of those fears especially about my family not being by my side. It has made me come to enjoy life that much more and cherish the time you to have with them and not take it for granted. One of the reasons I take so many pictures. My fear has never went away, I have just learned to embrace it and make the best of it. You have such a nice family and it looks like you are having alot of fun.

At June 21, 2011 at 7:40 AM , Blogger Kassie said...

This post spoke to my heart because I can relate.

Beautiful post. Beautiful family.

At June 21, 2011 at 7:41 AM , Blogger MellyB said...

The worry sucks. I freak every single time Jared has a freckle that looks a little weird or cough that sounds off. And that's my husband.

I've pretty much decided that my child is getting a hotdog and blanket to sleep with for his 18th birthday because there is no way he's touching either of those things before then. Life is too good, it's scary.

At June 21, 2011 at 7:47 AM , Blogger Andrea @ Keepin it Thrifty said...

So glad you posted this! I just got married and Taylor I know is MY SOULMATE! I too have a fear that he will be taken from me and i will be left with nothing...that is the BIGGEST fear i have. I'm so glad to hear it from someone like you. I love reading your Post!

XOXO Andrea

At June 21, 2011 at 8:04 AM , Blogger Heidi @ Honeybear Lane said...

A few things: 1) my hubby does that three squeeze thing too! 2) I used to have days where I would lie in my bed sobbing because I would be convinced that my husband or children were going to die and I had to figure out a world without them 3) I love that Baby W is in such a cute little man outfit on top and a diaper on the bottom. That is so the way it is at my house!

Your new place looks fun--can't wait to see how you decorate it!

At June 21, 2011 at 8:19 AM , Blogger Kristine @ JandMs Eye Candy said...

Beautiful post share again Ashley! You are such a strong momma!

We are hosting a link party called “Help a Momma Out” every Tuesday! I would appreciate if you'd add it. Thanks in advance for your consideration :)


At June 21, 2011 at 8:22 AM , Blogger michael. mindy. dane. said...

i can 100% relate to this. i know exactly how you feel. the fear of losing someone you love can be overbearing. i love how you wrote this. makes perfect sense. loved it :)

At June 21, 2011 at 8:39 AM , Blogger Mrs. T said...

I am the exact same way. I worry so much. It is hard for me to live in the present. I think we can all relate to this on some level. Afraid of what the next hardship will bring... or HOW hard it will be.

God bless!

At June 21, 2011 at 9:32 AM , Blogger Stefanie Thomson said...


I so enjoyed your post. While I was reading it I couldn't get over how that is sooooo me! Made me feel better to know I'm not the only one who has felt the same way. Your family is adorable!!

At June 21, 2011 at 9:34 AM , Blogger Sierra said...

haha, i love the mouth full of guac!! i feel ya on the worrying, i think it's a mom thing or a female thing...

At June 21, 2011 at 9:36 AM , Blogger Cami @ All Things Lovely said...

oh friend i have the exact same fears...exact same..when things are good you always wonder what little trial is lurking around the corner!
You do deserve all your blessings! Your a hard working, loving momma!
Congrats on the move


At June 21, 2011 at 9:43 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

lovely post!
such sweet blessings in your life!

At June 21, 2011 at 9:50 AM , Blogger Maria-Isabel @ Agape Love Designs said...

Welcome back. I missed you posts! I think in a way all Momma's have those kinds of fears, I know I have them every once in a while. And its heartbreaking to think about. So I try not to and just enjoy the good moments. I loved the pictures you shared looks like you guys had a great fathers day! :)

At June 21, 2011 at 9:52 AM , Blogger Lil Mama Stuart said...

I have the same biggest fear. I've been blessed ALL my life with very few hardships, like almost none....and I feel like one day it's all going to catch up to me and something catastrophic is going to happen because I've lived all my life with not one bad thing happening...

At June 21, 2011 at 10:14 AM , Blogger LBMM said...

I am the SAME way. I worry that if I'm too happy, things will start to go wrong or be taken away from me. I don't think I ever really enjoy happiness. And I constantly worry that something is going to happen to the ones I love most. My dad was driving behind me while we were moving one weekend I just KNEW that something would happen. How awful! Thanks for's good to know I'm not alone!

At June 21, 2011 at 10:17 AM , Anonymous Dayana said...

WOW! i just recently started following your blog and feel as though you are a woman after my own heart! per say! :) This post is something i feel i could have written! i love that you are so real and easily relate able! you are amazing! your fears are shared, any real mama would know this feeling! the love i feel for my daughter is something so impossible! its amazing to know that you can love someone so! you are wonderful! and inspirational!

its funny you and your husband do the three squeeze thing, my husband and i do the SAME thing there is no better feeling than being in a crowded room where you cant hear each other and you feel those three little squeezes. THERE IS NO NEED for words!

At June 21, 2011 at 10:33 AM , Blogger your wishcake. said...

Oh, I completely know what you mean. I'm the exact same way. No rest for the worriers. :)

I still tell my parents silly things like, "Don't ever die, okay?" Because I honestly don't think I could ever deal with loss like that. I mean, I know it's going to come knocking on my door one of these days, but the very thought of it makes me choke up. (Even right now.) My parents, my sisters, my husband, my daughter (who isn't even born yet!)...I hear stories of people who go through loss like that and I am in awe of how they can even get out of bed in the morning.

I don't think I'm strong enough, and I hope I never have to be.

I know what you mean, though, about just drinking in the good moments and not letting these thoughts get in the way of truly enjoying life and all the lovely things it has to offer us.

At June 21, 2011 at 10:42 AM , Blogger Jenae @ Wildflower said...

Loved this post!! I remember being a little girl and my dad squeezing my hand three times and then asking me what it meant and he said I Love You while squeezing three times again. never have and never will forget it, I know do it to husband all the time whenever we hold hands and it always makes me smile :)

At June 21, 2011 at 11:42 AM , Blogger Drvance19 said...

OMG, I love the countertops in the kitchen. The raw edge is amazing.

I totally know what you mean.

At June 21, 2011 at 11:49 AM , Anonymous Becca said...

Such a beautiful post!

At June 21, 2011 at 11:55 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just love your precious family!!

At June 21, 2011 at 12:17 PM , Blogger Maestra Orquestra said...

I just love reading your blog! I also appreciate how open and honest you have been. This blog touched me as I have been a bit of a worrier lately, but I found this quote and it helps me, so I wanted to share it with you.
"Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death."
Have a great week!!

At June 21, 2011 at 12:22 PM , Blogger Rita@martenssmily said...

So cute pics from Baby W!!! Love your honest and deep words!!!

Could you please pray for our city:


At June 21, 2011 at 12:39 PM , Blogger wonder forest said...

such a sweet post :)
D and I do the little "1, 2, 3" too ;)
keep smiling

At June 21, 2011 at 1:07 PM , Blogger Little Beachs said...

you and I are one in the same.

At June 21, 2011 at 1:10 PM , Blogger Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

You're doing a great job capturing those memories. My worries increased so much when I became a mom. I worry all the time now, so you're definitely not alone!

At June 21, 2011 at 1:14 PM , Anonymous Heather said...

Ever since one of my friends died in September 2005, I have been PARANOID that anyone I love could suddenly die. Over the last few years I've learned to turn the fear into gratitude. When I think "OMG what if I lose so-and-so, like I lost my friend?" I try to change it to "I am so grateful I have so-and-so in my life! I'm going to make them an x y or z to show them," or "I'm going to call them right now!" It doesn't always work, but it does help a little each time. *hug*

At June 21, 2011 at 1:52 PM , Blogger adrienne_sakura said...

I totally understand how you feel. I have worries like this ALL the time. It makes me cry to even think about what I would do if I lost someone close to me.
I think its good to express these feelings sometimes. That way you don't have to bottle them up and feel like that you are the only person that feels this worried all the time. I'm sure that we aren't!

*another note: I have really enjoyed reading your blog. You have lots of greats stories, tips and ideas. As a new blogger, your blog as been super helpful! Thanks!

At June 21, 2011 at 2:05 PM , Blogger Hayley said...

Wow. I thought I was the only one. Thanks so much for sharing this.

At June 21, 2011 at 2:12 PM , Blogger Jo Jo said...

Congrats on the move! New houses are fun but overwhelming too.

I totally understand how you feel, it seems that I gained a whole new set of fears with mommyhood. I am trying my hardest to give it to the Lord daily.

At June 21, 2011 at 2:47 PM , Blogger Jessica said...

baby W is SOOOOOO cute!!!

At June 21, 2011 at 3:00 PM , Blogger Rolled Up Pretty and Cut Off Thoughts said...

I feel exactly the same way like ALL the time! I feel guilty too because I have the sweetest husband, the best family, great place to live, plenty of food, and then I see all these starving kids in horrible circumstances who have lost everyone in their entire family and think, how is this even fair? Then I get worried that something is bound to go wrong for me soon... but I get bad anxiety and tell myself to stop, because if something horrible did happen, I would look back and think, why did I waste even a second being sad when I had everything. Anyway, I know exactly how you feel and I'm not even a mom yet! Dang, your posts always get me deep thinking! I love them :) Your new place looks amazing as well! Have a great day!

At June 21, 2011 at 3:38 PM , Blogger Cherry Blossoms said...

Cutest family ever!!!
I am so jealous of you being able to take evening walks. Our evening walks are on a temp break. Gotta love the Phoenix heat!

At June 21, 2011 at 4:24 PM , Blogger miamihoney said...

I get it. I am consumed by fear of losing this wonderful little life that I have been blessed with having. I think it is the whole loving with all of you, no guards thing that leaves me so vulnerable.
Thanks for this post.

At June 21, 2011 at 5:28 PM , Blogger DeQku said...

We share the same feeling...I do fear of losing my love one, my mum, my dad, my siblings and my bffs.

Till the time come, I'll treat them the best I could. And it all thanks to you for sharing your feeling because it encourages me to express the feeling to my beloved every single breath.

First and foremost that we have to remember, prepare for the day because it certainly will come.

Love ur writing!!!

At June 21, 2011 at 5:43 PM , Blogger lori said...

such a sweet post! i love the first picture of your boys! i too am jealous of the evening walks... georgia heat is KILLER.

At June 21, 2011 at 7:07 PM , Blogger Ashley said...

Missed you tons! I could have written this myself and it was just what I needed to read today :)

At June 21, 2011 at 7:28 PM , Blogger Meagan Kemp said...

I'm new to your blog and I LOVE IT! Thank you! And just for the record I have the exact same fears/paranoia. I have two babies (ages 2 1/2 and 1 1/2) and the second I got to hold each one of them the mommy worry began. I figure it's normal, right?

At June 21, 2011 at 7:32 PM , Blogger Tara said...

Love everything about this post and the way you wear your heart on your sleeve. Btw---Life feels more normal now with you back! You were definitely missed in my world.
Can't wait to see more of the house. And can I just say that I hope to have a life like yours someday.

Also....I have been receiving the MOST compliments on my LMM rings! EVERYONE LOVES THEM!

At June 21, 2011 at 7:53 PM , Blogger hollyh said...

oh my gosh, it's like I wrote this myself! so glad you shared this, it hits so close to home! just keep praying for all of your loved ones so God knows how grateful you are:)

At June 21, 2011 at 8:10 PM , Blogger Brynn said...

I've been following you for a few months now and have enjoyed looking back on your older posts. But, this post really shows how you've found your style of writing, and it really works. You've come a long way in such a short time! Hope you're enjoying the ride! Congrats on your new home.

At June 21, 2011 at 11:45 PM , Anonymous Z said...

This post has literally stolen the words out of my mouth.

So beautifully written. So honest. So real. And I love it.

Because I can relate. I know exactly what you mean and what you feel. I know that worry and that fear.

I especially loved that part about your husband. How he walks through the door, your eyes meet and you just know that are you both on the same page.

What a BEAUTIFUL statement with such profound truth.

At June 22, 2011 at 8:24 AM , Blogger Dani said...

your house is ADORABLE!!!!!!

At June 22, 2011 at 12:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well thanks for making a girl who hates to cry, cry.....
Yes we all fear those things. I never admit that either but reading your truths made me feel ashamed and band-aid ripped raw......

thank you

At June 24, 2011 at 9:34 PM , Blogger The Zeediks said...

I can totally relate to the whole thing. Including the secret 3 hand squeeze thing. Weird, thought my grandma invented it and only me and my girls and husband did it. Loving the lake walk and loving wes eating something greenish? What is that?

At June 26, 2011 at 7:32 AM , Blogger ~Mallory~ said...

Its crazy that you posted this. I was going to blog on this the other day and I decided not to bc sometimes you feel like you are the only one and others wont understand. Not only do i have the same fear but I also fear that I would be taken away from my baby girl and the thought of her being raised without her momma just makes my heart ache. But when I start to worry I have to remind myself that God is in control and that I need to enjoy the time that God has blessed us with. - Ashley you are amazing and I love your blog....thinking that no matter how i feel, I should post whatever I want because afterall it is my blog and you never know who might need to hear what I have to say ;) Love ya girl!

At June 26, 2011 at 3:27 PM , Blogger CMae said...

Hi Ashley! I popped on over from the other Ashley blog aka The SHine Project Ashley and must say I LOVE your kitchen!!!!I wanted to ask you were you got your cutting board from? the one that sits up up off the counter? LOVE that!!!! Hope to hear from you!

At June 28, 2011 at 7:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

My kids don't like pants or shirts. They're naked most of the time.


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