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Two Survivors Secrets Revealed {on Secret Week}

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Little Miss Momma: Two Survivors Secrets Revealed {on Secret Week}

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Two Survivors Secrets Revealed {on Secret Week}

{click here if you need to get the scoop on the Secret Series}

Today's SECRET post is longer than usual,
but that's because I think its an important topic.
Something that in some way we have ALL been impacted by...

We sure HATE cancer, don't we?!

Below you will read the revealed secrets of two special cancer survivors.
Their stories are unique--a perspective that we {the healthy ones} take for granted.

All too often I assume that a cancer survivor's life is all butterflies and rainbows because they survived, because they beat the beast, because they were given a second chance, because only scars remain where once there was sickness...

But I forget...

I forget that those scars represent pain.
They represent struggle.
They represent heartache and fear.

And those scars will NEVER go away.

I want to thank today's Secret gal's for pointing out that just because the cancer is gone, doesn't mean these survivors have completely healed...

Here are their stories:

Meg's Secret:

I am a cancer survivor.
I fought hard.
I lost my hair,
I lost my eyebrows,
I lost a lot of friends.
I gained weight and resentment.

I resent the people my age who got to live their 20's
like it's supposed to be.

I resent that I had to fight for my life while my friends went to college, partied and flourished.

I resent that people thank my husband for staying with me during such a terrible time.

I resent all the people who told me that "God doesn't give us more then we can handle" because I feel like this one time He did.

I thought the feeling of resentment would go away.
But 3 1/2 years hasn't.

In fact, it's grown into guilt, sadness and anger.

I feel guilty that my husband and I will be forever financially in debt to hospitals, family and friends for all the help we were given during my cancer (I didn't have insurance when it all started).

I feel guilty that my husband had to change job to take care of me.

I feel guilty he didn't get to marry the woman he proposed to but rather the woman who emerged after cancer.
Because she is NOT me.
She is mad.
She is cynical.
She is angry.
She is SO SAD.
She wants to be the pre-cancer version of herself.

And here is the weirdest part. I feel guilty that I survived. That I have two beautiful healthy baby girls. I feel guilty that I lived and someone else had to die.

I get angry some days. I have these scars. People still look, wonder and sometimes ask. I tell them cancer. They feel sorry for me. Then I get even more angry.

Yet, in it all, I know I am so lucky. I am SO blessed. I put on my happy face everyday. I love my children. I remember that if I wouldn't have made it my GIRLS wouldn't be here.

But, it doesn't take away the resentment, the anger or the sadness...
So I guess, as my momma always said, "fake it til ya make it".


Jessica's Secret:
I have AML (Acute myeloid Leukemia).
I’ve had five chemo treatments and have lost my hair twice.
It usually affects people over 60,
but I got “lucky” and was diagnosed when I was 30!

My secret is Annoyance
I want so badly to move on,
for people who know me to ask how I am,
because they actually want to know how I am doing,
and not just because of the cancer.

I want random strangers to stop murmuring with their friends loud enough for me to hear about whether or not I'm a lesbian because of my super short hair.
(yes this has happened 5 times!).

My secret is fear
I’m so scared that this horrible disease is going to come back.
That I’m never going to be able to go a day without taking a crap load of pills.

Even though I’ve been assured by many doctors that it’s not genetic,
I worry about my kids,
more than anything,
I don’t want them to ever have to go through this!

I fear for my husband’s stress level and mental state…
All of this is so hard for him.
He’s been nothing short of Hercules,
But I worry that eventually the stress will take its toll on him.

My secret is Love
Love for God, whom without I wouldn’t have survived.
Love for my kids,
who even on stressed out crazy induced days,
never fail to make me smile.
Love of a husband,
for his strength, devotion and goodness.
He is my Best Friend!

And for my family and loyal friends,
who showed love and support when we needed it the most.

Thank you for letting me share my secrets with you!

Let's show these SURVIVORS some comment love, shall we.

I will be posting several secrets daily throughout this entire week. So be sure to check back often, you're not going to want to miss these.

You can grab your very own Secret Series Button on the right sidebar:
Simply copy the code, then got to "add a gadget" in your blogger dashboard, then add "html", then paste the code, then click "save" {that's it}!

 On Friday, we will conclude this portion of the Secret Series with a link up party--where I will encourage YOU to link up a post with your secret {no matter how big or small--serious or silly}.

Do you have a secret you want to email me?
Send it to
And please let me know your "alias" or if I can use your real name.

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At December 2, 2010 at 5:37 AM , Blogger Amanda @ Life with A.Co said...

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I'll never look at another cancer survivor the same. This has opened my eyes and made me realize that like you said, Ashley, despite being cancer survivors, the pain and scars are still there - those don't just magically go away... and I was naive, and thought they would.

Thank you both for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes and gave me perspective. You are both so strong and so brave. I am in complete awe of both of you, and although we've never met, SO PROUD of you both. Keep moving forward, day by day. I know it's a struggle, I know it's hard (you've laid it out right here, right now for us and showed us it is), but ~ONE DAY LONGER, ONE DAY STRONGER~

A.Co @ A.Co est. 1984

At December 2, 2010 at 6:37 AM , Blogger Brooke Anna @ Mommy Does... said...

I applaud these ladies for telling their secrets.
My best friend Larissa, passed when she was only 13( I was in 4th grade, and 12.) She too, had leukemia. I think of her so often, and at times when things remind me of her; I cry. I cry for her Momma, I cry because her Pawpaw just passed, I cry because we were like sisters and she was always a loving person with such a caring heart. Only 13, and God decided he needed another angel. Thanks for sharing, ladies. I really look up to you. Many people in my family have suffered from cancer, with a few who continue to walk among us. My mother, grandmother, grandpa, and many others are affected too. It can be a strain in every aspect, sad but so true. But I am happy you were able to share your story with us today.

At December 2, 2010 at 8:51 AM , Blogger sara said... I'm crying at work...

Thank you meg and jessica for sharing and for showing us all that there's more to a cancer patient/survivor than the cancer.

At December 2, 2010 at 9:28 AM , Blogger Jessie K said...

I'm not a cancer survivor, nor have I had anyone all that close to me be affected by cancer, other than my husband's grandpa with a slow growing cancer that was easily eradicated. So, honestly, I have no idea what you or your family members went, and still are going, through. But I hope to bring a little cheer. :)

Let's go party some time! I can understand the feeling of having their 20's pass by. I married when I was 19 and had our first child at 21, almost 22. I'm 25 now and a lot of my friends are finally getting married. Sometimes I look at them with more than a little envy that they went to college and had a few more years of the angst of finding a good man. Yet, on the other side, I'm so thankful to have the good, wonderful, kind man that I do and the beautiful girls he's given me. Doesn't stop me from wanting to go out and let loose every once in a while, though. So let's parrrr-tay! :D

How are you? How are you doing? How old are your kids? Are they at the age that they will drive you crazy with hormones yet? Or are they driving you crazy with approximately 62,849 questions per day, 7,343 of which revovle around more or less the same thing? What's your favorite hobby? Have you tried anything new lately? I have. I've taken up sewing and have been going absolutely crazy with it! I have about 34 projects going all at once. Yeah, I have crafting ADD, what can I say! ;)

At December 2, 2010 at 10:36 AM , Blogger A Servant of Christ (who tries to be humble) said...

While I don't know Meg. I applaud her courage in sharing these insights with all of us. We need to know the other side of the battle. We need to see . . .

I am so very blessed to be a close personal friend of Jessica's. She does not consider herself brave, but I have seen her battle this beast of a disease face to face. She is amazing, both as a woman, and as a friend.

I only wish more realized the treasure of her personal friendship and love!

I love you Jessie!

At December 2, 2010 at 11:03 AM , Blogger  Justine said...

I had no idea people would think a woman was lesbian because she had short hair. That is just so sad. It broke my heart to read that.

I am happy for the BOTH of you. You only deserve to be happy. I want to tell you, that you shouldn't feel guilty towards your husbands because they do love you. But at the same time, I don't know how it feels to go through what you did. But you should feel good about yourself, for yourself, even if it is just for your health. It is not healthy to be stressed out for unhappy. Fake the happiness if you have to, because at some point, you'll forget your faking it.

Just Better Together

At December 3, 2010 at 7:32 PM , Blogger Elizabeth Schaffer Miranda said...

I applaud these brave women for sharing their stories with us. My husband is a two time cancer survivor with scars to prove it and now after 25 years of survival he has been diagnosed for a third time with cancer. All three have been different types of cancers.

I believe that cancer survivors are made of the toughest stuff that there is. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles. I hope that you will both be filled with happiness and a joy for living. You both beat the terrible cancer monster and that is truly an amazing accomplishment. I can only hope and pray for the day that the doctors will tell my husband once again that he is cancer free.

At December 5, 2010 at 7:39 AM , Blogger Unknown said...

I'm a cancer survivor. No one can possibly understand this writing until they've been there. I know they try. I'm glad they don't understand.

At December 19, 2010 at 2:18 PM , Blogger Farnes and Jillian Williams said...

I couldn't have said it better myself, I have stage 3 ovarian usually only happens when you around 50 to 60 yrs old but I was 28 at the time and although I am in remission I still have those same feelings, and they will probably never go away!! And like her I hope that my children never have to go through this!! or anyone else for that matter!! keep on fighting


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